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Not sure if demi or just "picky"

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Not sure if demi or just "picky" Empty Not sure if demi or just "picky"

Post by vikinggirl Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:32 pm

Hello! I am sure you're all tired by these forum threads now. Oh well, sorry 'bout that! This is a new "what the eff is up with me"-thread.

I have always felt "different" sexually than others. A lot of my friends started having sex early, but it never really attracted me all that much. I wasn't one of those "the first time has to be romantic"-people, I simply didn't understand why it was such a big deal. I had sex for the first time when I was 18, with a completely "casual" person. We were both wasted and I had just kinda decided that I wanted to get it over with so I'd just done it, it seemed like "everyone" had at the time.

Anyways, I am 23 now and I have had sex with 7 people (only men). No, I haven't dated all of them. That means I can have casual sex - sort of.

You see, the reason I am not sure if I am demisexual or not is that I don't need a deep emotional bond with someone to have sex with them, but I need to feel that we relate, that we have a connection. In all situations where I have had sex with someone I met that night we have been sitting and talking for hours beforehand. I think what matters most to me is that I want to feel that we're on the same level, that we connect, that he sees me as an equal and as an interesting person, not just some random girl he met at a party. I generally find boys who are so-called "players" to be horribly shallow and mean people, and I don't really understand why people - girls and boys - just hook up with people they haven't even TALKED TO, but just danced with. It especially annoys me when women who are friends and upstanding people hook up with those kind of men because I don't think that women should endorse those men's overly big ego, and "reward" that kind of consumption attitude when it comes to real people.

So, in other words: I am not repulsed by sex. I like having sex, I have sex with myself quite often (more often than some of my friends, I have friends who have never even tried to masturbate but who are more sexually active than me in other ways), I get aroused (even by porn, which embarrasses me a bit as I find the industry cynical, repulsive and perpetuating a wrong image of sex and the sexes) etc. I have NEVER - not even with the people I've ended up sleeping with - seen a guy and instantly thought "that guy is hot, I want to have sex with him" like some of my friends have. It never even occurred to me that people actually think that until recently. I can see a guy I think is attractive, flirt with him, but I don't feel sexually attracted to him, at least not until I've talked to him for a lot of the evening and felt that there is a connection. So, in that way, I need some sort of emotional bond to have sex with someone. But I don't need to build up an emotional bond over a long time like a lot of demis seem to have to do. I have always had plenty of male friends and most of them I see as any other friend (male or female), some of them I almost consider brothers. None of them I have a sexual attraction to. The first time I meet someone, there can be a sexual spark of sort there and then we can get to know each other and then that could be a different story, but the longer I know a guy I wasn't attracted to the first time I met them, the less I see them as potential sex partners. The thought of having sex with them doesn't repulse me, but it doesn't arouse me in any way and mostly just seems weird, I'm sure everyone understands what I mean. It would be like suddenly sleeping with one of my female friends. I don't feel any sexual attraction to neither my male or female friends. So, I don't know if demisexuals start having sexual feelings for someone they never had sexual feelings for before after a long time, or if that doesn't really happen much.

But, to get back to the point: I said earlier I wasn't repulsed by sex. I am not, I like sex. But I am repulsed by the sex culture, where you almost don't think of the person you sleep with as a person with feelings and thoughts and interest and opinions, but just as a sex object you never have to think about again after it's all done. I am repulsed with what I see as an immoral way to look at other people. Not an immoral way to have sex, I don't care how often people have sex or with how many, or how well they know those people. But I see it as an immoral way to look at other people. I have gotten into arguments with friends about this several times, where they get hurt if I am honest and say that I find the entire meat market despicable and I don't think anyone should condone that kind of thing by participating in it. Just the thought that people go out to find someone to have sex with annoys me a lot. As I said, I can have sex with people I meet at a party the same night, but I never planned it in advance. I never thought "hey, I want to have sex tonight". I just went to a party, had fun with my friends, spoke to people, ended up in a long and interesting conversation with someone and then we might end up going home together (most of the times we just talk at the party and that's fine by me). That people go out to have sex annoys me because they believe everyone else is the same way. They believe me and my friends are out to get laid not to drink beer and suck in the atmosphere. They believe we want to be hit on by strangers instead of being left in peace with the people we CHOSE to go out with. That bothers me so much that I don't go out much except to a few particular bars which I know are casual and where there are mostly friend groups or couples. I hate nightclubs more than anything else in this world (apart from the serious stuff, of course, like hunger and nuclear wars).

This post is becoming a novel now. But, the point of all this, is that I am curious as to whether other people feel the same as I do. I have friends who are "relationship people" and prefer being in relationships, but even they can go out to pick up guys when they're in-between relationships. I have friends who would prefer to go home with an interesting and cool guy whom they talked enough to to connect so it doesn't feel awkward in the morning, but who don't really mind going to clubs and dancing and going home with some random person they just danced with and never talked with. And I have friends who see a potential sex partner in every guy they see and don't really bother with getting to know any of them, and who aren't interested in relationships. But I have no friends or acquaintances who relate to me in this matter, most of them just seem to think I am sexually shy or picky or something. I can go months without having sex and it doesn't seem to bother me as much as a lot of my friends. I mean, I might start thinking about sex more etc., but no matter how long it's been I don't feel an urge to go out and just hook up with someone at a club. I could if I wanted to, but I don't see any point or attraction in that. Then I would rather go without sex. Anyone here who feels the same as I do?

Last edited by vikinggirl on Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:43 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : adding)


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Post by Halfling Mon Jun 09, 2014 6:06 am

Building a "bond" or intimate relationship with someone can take years, months, or only few hours, depending on who you meet and how close you too can get to each other, so.. It could be totally possible that you're demi. Just not at the same "area of the spectrum" than others Smile

Me for instance, I have to be in love or at least begin to be in love with someone to feel sexual attraction, but it can take years of friendship for me to develop those kind of feelings, or simply some hours of knowing each others... Smile I see sexual orientation/attraction as a spectrum, like many other things (gender, autism, etc), so I guess you can belong anywhere on this spectrum, more or less "far" from some of the extremes.
I don't know what others here think about it but well, hope it helps you a bit to define where you belong, if you have the need to belong at a specific place Smile


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Post by hungryboar Sat Jun 14, 2014 6:42 pm

I get what you mean - at least mostly. I don't really get the whole sex relationship thing; to me it's just something that you do when you find someone you approve of, both mentally and at least kind of physically. But the idea of sleeping with someone I've never talked to is the kind of thing that makes my nose wrinkle... just a bit icky really.

I totally understand the hatred of nightclubs - you can't hear anything there. The few times I've gone to them, I end up going outside with the smokers just to be able to hear what anyone (even those right next to me) are saying.

I can see the appeal of a relationship, but mostly in terms of the friendship, i.e. having someone who you can rely on to be there for you primarily, as opposed to most friendships which are a bit circumstantial.

In response though, I don't feel the drive for sex that my friends seem to feel. I just don't really see it as that important. It'd be nice to have it, but I don't feel any necessity to go out and get laid. It'd be too much hassle for not much in return.


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Post by Mlyrin_Sauvelle Mon Jul 14, 2014 1:48 am

Yeah. I don't get people either with their one night stands. Nor do I get them when they point out at "that hot chick" and go on about how hot she is. I can only awkwardly say "yeah. Sure seems like it". So much like you do, I don't get the dynamics of sexual relationships of friends of mine, strangers and junk they show on tv/movies. So I don't get an urge to go out and go have a one night stand.

I generally don't bother forcing myself to have sex with people if I don't have the urge to do as much. I'm able to, but my experiences from doing that have been bland, unsatisfying, but it was still kind of nice. So it's still enjoyable if no strings come with it. So yes, I do enjoy sex even if i'm not super into the person. It's just not as good as it could be. Masturbation is a lot easier.

Speaking of masturbation, I also do find arousal in pornography, which I think is normal. I've thought about it for a while, wondering why i get aroused. I do have a sexual side to myself, a pretty active one, and seeing acts of sexuality does affect me. I think that's mostly because I do know what it feels like, there are certain experiences that I've had that reflected in what I see in pornography. So it's probably that I super-impose those prior experiences on pornography and create an emotional connection in that sense. But not a lot of material reflects my experiences, so I avoid a lot of stuff. That's the impression I get anyways.

So I guess I pretty much feel the way you do. There are a lot of other things that are specific to myself which you haven't mentioned. Naturally so, because sexuality is considered a spectrum, meaning it's rarely a clearcut thing. I'm quite sure I'm in the demi-sexual spectrum, not sure exactly how though. I'm still figuring that out.


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Post by Dimitri Tue Jul 07, 2015 7:15 am

What struck me most about your post (rhyme unintended) is that you need to be "on the same level" as the other person.

Don't know if you're into spirituality and all that jazz, but it could be that you're only attracted to people you have karmic connections with? or that are the same Soul Age as you?

You could also be a demisexual that has a different "timeframe" e.g. you don't need to build up a bond if it's apparent that someone is on "your level" already.

What makes casual sex casual? The fact that you've just met? Or the fact that there is no emotional bond = just physical?


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