I'm New here... just discovered I'm a Demi

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I'm New here... just discovered I'm a Demi

Post by Aviyah Zohar on Mon Jun 24, 2013 1:14 am

Emotionally relate to Gay guys and Straight woman. For years tried to identify as Gay...but just didn't fit right.
After a 20 year friendship got into a 3 year romantic relationship and eventually a physical relationship. We really believe we are Bersherts (soul mates)
Three weeks ago the bomb dropped that she was not comfortable being in a same sex relationship because she was not gay. I said either am I... but than what the heck was I? Than I discovered what Demisexual was... I finally have an answer to a life long confusion. Thank you thank you thank you!

Aviyah Zohar
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Re: I'm New here... just discovered I'm a Demi

Post by Halfling on Mon Jun 24, 2013 12:09 pm

Hi Aviyah Zohar, and welcome here.
Being demisexual isn't inconciliable with being lesbian/gay. People identifying as Straight can fall in love and/or be physically attracted to people of the same sex/gender, and Gay/Lesbian can feel the same for people of the opposite sex/gender, without having to be demisexual too.

Maybe you're just bisexual or pansexual but identify more as demisexual as you feel attracted to people not because of their sex/gender but because you have a previous strong emotional connexion with them. Don't you think ?

I think also of the "gay identity" : I often say I'm gay, because I like identifying this way, even if I'll say I'm pansexual if my sexual orientation is asked. But I mean, I refer to myself as gay. However, I really don't belong to the said "gay community" or "gay identity" (I don't think orientation is an "identity" in itself). I don't like it, I don't feel right about it, I really don't fit in. And don't want to.
So, I think that's also an eventuality : being gay/lesbian without feeling like belonging to the related "box".

In your post you speak only about emotionally attraction, not sexual, so maybe your sexual and romantic attractions are not the same neither. Just wondering and opening thinking perspectives  Smile

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Re: I'm New here... just discovered I'm a Demi

Post by Aviyah Zohar on Mon Jun 24, 2013 4:54 pm

Thank you for your message. Guess I didn't write enough about my feelings. I'm not bi and never had
an romantic emotional attraction towards a man. Sex with a man is just sex and the feelings were always the same. The old Peggy Lee song comes to mind...Is that all there is my friend, then let's keep dancing... it was messy, submissive and a total invasion of my space.

I was "taken advantage of, by a woman during my first 2 years of recovery in AA. it never occurred to me that there was dIfferent way

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Re: I'm New here... just discovered I'm a Demi

Post by Aviyah Zohar on Mon Jun 24, 2013 5:08 pm

Continuing.... my feelings for a friend developed about 7 years later... romantic ones. Not sexual ones. A year and a half later they did become asexual and it was more than satisfying. M couldn't handle the idea of being gay and after 5 years we broke up. It broke my heart and I started drinking again. Went out and partied had meaningless sex and it meant nothing.
I went back yo AA and am now sober 34 years. During that time I remained celebrities and figured I was done with relationships and sex...until the 20 year friendship turned romantic with the woman I wrote about in the last post. Sex is not all that important but the romance is. So that's why I believe the description of Grey-A and Semi is a fit.

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Re: I'm New here... just discovered I'm a Demi

Post by Halfling on Tue Jun 25, 2013 3:53 am

Thanks for the sharing and clarification of you story. I think I would wonder, in such a situation, if I were asexual (or grey-a or whatever) before being used and involved in bad relationships (with submissive and kind of unwanted sex)... Because if before, you're already not interested in sex (and not because you never had sex, since I guess most of people and/or women aren't really interested in sex before knowing it) it's not the same that if it developped after all those bad experiences, don't you think ?

I'm not saying you're wrong, not at all, nor I am saying you are like this or like that, it's just my nature to wonder, I guess. I like to look into each possibility you know. Well, I hope you don't find me intrusive or what.

Oh and by the way, congrats for the time beig sober :)I guess it's not easy everyday so I wish you to keep going forward. And saying that, I'm sincere, not trying to patronize you or anything (I'm reaaaally afraid of being misunderstood, as my english isn't good enough to be sure to express myself as I would do in my mother tongue, sorry !...)

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Re: I'm New here... just discovered I'm a Demi

Post by Aviyah Zohar on Tue Jun 25, 2013 3:58 pm

I don't feel you are obtruvize... just trying to get that facts straight. I got married at a month over 19 mainly because I was interested in having sex and for not believe at that time in premarital affairs. "Is that all there is my friend than let's keep dancing." Should have just had a roll in the jay. Would have saved me a bunch of problems. So the past is the past.

I had crushes on a friend in highschool... but never acted on it. I felt romantic towards her.


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Re: I'm New here... just discovered I'm a Demi

Post by Halfling on Wed Jun 26, 2013 3:28 am

Hope it will help you to get into a new relationship in which you'll be happy :)It's never too late to learn about oneself I guess.

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