My Experience with Demisexuality,sort of :)

I was told about this forum and it looks like I will have stuff in common with you guys.  So, yes, I am physically attracted to people without emotions.  I say physically attracted rather than sexually because I can definitely be around a hot guy and start feeling nervous, excited, self conscious, my heart beats faster, etc, but it's more a physical thing than my thinking "mmmm I'd like to tap that."  But the thing about me is that while I am attracted to good looking people all the time when I'm single, as soon as I even have a crush on one person, I just stop feeling attracted to others.  Sure, I can recognise that they're good looking, just like I can think that a girl is pretty although I'm a straight female, but the attraction isn't there.  Also when I'm watching a movie and I see 2 good looking men, my mind immediately chooses one to experience attraction towards, I'm simply incapable of being attracted to 2 people at once.

I assumed that all men except really bad guys (cheaters, etc) also wouldn't be attracted to other people while in a relationship.  Boy was I in for a rude awakening.  One day I caught my ex boyfriend (my ex fiance!) looking at a photo of a woman in lingerie!  And after that I noticed he went out of his way to look at women whose faces he thought were pretty etc.  I thought this was crazy and broke up with him over this, but after talking to trusted male and female friends, they told me that all men were attracted to other women, even while in a relationship!  Some days I still think I'm being punked.  The idea that a guy is in love with his girlfriend but is attracted to other people feels alien and incomprehensible to me.  It feels like an impossible concept!  I've actually been single for 2 years and had been planning to stay single for life once I found out that a man is able to experience feelings of attraction to others while in a relationship.  Fair enough, feel that way when you're single, but when you're with someone I feel that it should be between those 2 people only.  I could never have sex with someone and give someone my body knowing that I only think of them but that they think of other women....I don't care if it's for a fleeting second, just shouldn't happen in my opinion....

Hi Doglover, and welcome here.

I see several things in your story, and I've got the feeling you're a bit "radical". First, maybe you don't understand it and can't conceptualize it, but differents ways of living intimate/love/sexual relationship exist, and you have to accept that. I mean, you seem to be ok with exclusively monogamous relationship, and well, that's ok, but some people can't live happily in monogamous relationship. Some people are polyromantic (can be in love with more than one person), some need "open relationship", being free to have sex with others etc.
Some can dissociate feelings and sex, some can't (like me, as a demi, I can't get around the idea of having sex with someone I'm not in love with, I simply can't, which doesn't mean I don't want to lol, sometimes frustration make me wish that I could try things sexually and have a good fuck but well, I just don't "feel" it.)

And I don't think what you're talking about is concerns strictly men. I guess some women are like that (if not, cheating women wouldn't exist and... we all know that they do (exist)) and you seem to confuse sexual attraction (being potentially aroused by someone) and actually "doing it". For instance, some people (males AND female) masturbate watching porn or reading erotic novels or comics. They get aroused watching nude people or sex stuffs or situations, they don't all get aroused from the same thing (it can be the person they see, it can be the thought of what they feel when they do same things with their partner, it can be the thought of doing such thing with their partner, it can be purely the thought of feeling the sexual relief, and it can be plenty of other things I guess). It doesn't need they would cheat on their partner (with or without the "girl in lingerie from the picture"), it doesn't even mean they think of it ! Or even want it.
It can be just to get their sexual relief.

To talk about me personnally, I'm in a gay relationship, but my bf isn't very sexual, in fact he has to be in such a particular mood to be able to want to have sex, that it's more often no than yes, if you know what I mean. I've got a higher libido than he has, and I feel the need to get it relieved. Well. I enjoy looking at people I find attractive, looking at not-so-much-dressed people etc. I don't get a boner from seeing them, but I guess it can lead to be aroused and it can surely lead to masturbate. That being said, I wouldn't be able to cheat on him. And I don't want to. I wouldn't be able to have sex with someone I "just" am physically attracted to.
The only way I could cheat on him (and one more time : I don't want to, but I'm totally aware that we never know who we can meet and what we can feel...) would be for me to fall in love with someone else...

So well, I'm not sure you're doing a trial to the right person here, you're condamning like a "cheater" someone who is not. It's like wanting to put a teenager in jail because "he could steal that tv, I saw him watching it from behind the store window, he was definitely desirous of it. " ... You see what I mean ?

More than demi, what you describe about yourself makes me think more of an "exclusive" personnality than demisexuality. I mean, I'm sorry if the word isn't well chosen, hard for me to express it in english (I'm french), but you seem to be like a very exclusive person, which, once with someone can only see him and be with him. As if your "libido" would be exclusively projected toward him and "blocking" every outside/foreign "message" you know.
I'm not saying you're not demi, just that what you say makes me think more of exclusiveness (is that even a word ?) than of demisexuality. But I'm no expert of that matter so.. ^^
Hope I didn't hurt your feelings.

Thanks for reading and your thorough response:) I know that there are different things like open relationships etc, but it's hard to believe that in a usual monogamous relationship, men can be attracted to other women, seems like an unusual thing to me:/ That sounds good that you only have sex while in love, that's the best way:) Actually I don't think that being attracted to someone means you're going to cheat on them, but I just personally find it inappropriate to have those feelings of attraction for 2 people at the same time when you are in a relationship.

Please, don't say it like it concerns only men, I assure you that it happens to women too, to be physically attracted (or aroused) by someone out of the relationship.
I understand why it bothers you, really I think I do, but you know, this kind of things is quite out of control.... You don't choose to be physically attracted or aroused by someone... Exactly like you don't choose to feel love toward someone.
The world is full of people we're able to find attractive (both physically and emotionnally) and usually you don't fall in love with your "ideal". I mean, I like very much asian features, usually thin and small, and hairless (I mean body-hairless not head-hairless lol) and well, my boyfriend is caucasian, not thin and he's quite a bear..... So you know, if I see nice looking thin asian without bodyhair lol, I can be attracted. I can think "wow I'd love to have a boyfriend looking like that..."
I don't think it's innappropriate, like it's said : "having chosen a meal doesn't mean we can't look at the menu"... (dunno if this saying exists in english but well, its meaning is rather clear I guess^^) What would be innappropriate in my opinion would be to flirt with the said guy/girl... Flirting is a choice. Being physically attracted isn't :/

By the way, I don't think having sex only with people I'm in love with is "the best way". It's the best way for me, surely. And at least it's mean I take less STD-risks lol. But being able to fuck for the sake of having fun must be quite nice too. I even know someone who fuck only when he doesn't have feelings for the person, but is quite "asexual" in his love relationships... For him, love and sex don't mix. So, I'm sure there is no global "best way", "best ways" depend on people.

I know that some women are also attracted to other men as well, usually talk about men because it applies to me *.* Thanks for understanding. Are you Asian? I've heard that analogy before but I think that the nature of food is different from people. Besides technically you can also order a meal and a side dish from the menu but you can't say the same about relationships xD That sounds interesting that he completely separates the 2, hadn't heard of that before.

Nope I'm not Asian.
Yeah lol, food isn't like relationship but well, watching isn't cheating, watching "without the tought of cheating" isn't cheating. So.. well..

This forum is really dead I think before I came the last entry was September 2013

Yes I know it's not cheating. But for instance some people might feel uncomfortable if their boyfriend was romantically attracted to other people, for me it happens to be that I'm uncomfortable if they feel physically attracted to others Which dooms me to my fate of staying single :'( I'd love to have a boyfriend/husband...but just can't deal with it emotionally.

Finding an ace ?

I don't think that would work :/ Asexuals are still attracted to people, just not in a sexual way.... How is your relationship going? I read some older posts the other day and seemed like you were frustrated, is it going better now?

You're afraid that an ace partner would be emotionnally attracted to others ? Maybe it's something you should work on, because it looks like some trust issues, don't you think ? :/
My relationship is... going. lol. I'm still frustrated in several levels but I live with it.

Awwww sorry to hear about your frustration.
No, I mean physically attracted to others.
No it's not about trust, I don't think that the guy is going to cheat or anything just bc he was attracted, I simply find the attraction to be inappropriate

I think most asexuals don't experiment "sexual attraction" so in that case it wouldn't be enough for you ? I think I don't get what you mean by "physical attraction" if not sexual attraction. If your partner find someone "beautiful" but doesn't have any "sexual thoughts" or isn't aroused at all....you would still find it inappropriate ?

I get that you don't think the guy would be going to cheat, but the interesting point would be to know/express why exactly do you find this behaviour inappropriate :/. (But maybe your answer for my first § would enlight me)

Well for me I can be attracted to a guy but not about sex, just in general I find them handsome and for example feel nervous and excited around them. But this only happens when I'm single. And that's different from simply thinking someone is good looking.

I simply think that feelings of attraction are more than platonic - of course far from being romantic but still, more than platonic, so I don't think it's appropriate for a committed relationship to have those feelings towards other people, even if it's only for 1 second

Yeah but I don't see what difference you make between physical attraction and sexual ones, because if you're nervous and excited about someone because of his physical appearance, that's kind of an early sexual attraction. At least that's how I perceive it.

Then, if you could find someone feeling like you on this subject, what if he were looking to someone, how could you know if it's an appropriate or inappropriate glance ? How could you know for sure what glances are innocents and what are "more than platonic" ?

If when watching the olympic games, I say : "wow this japanese figure skater is so good-looking / beautiful / cute !" (really there were 3 and wow they were cute XD) how would you know if I was "picturing them naked" or just pointing what I find "good-looking" ? Or well, what would be "platonic" or "not platonic" ? I mean, when I saw these cute ice skater I wasn't thinking sexually, I didn't imagine sexual things or them naked or what, I was just thinking they were really cute. And yeah, having a boyfriend looking like that would be nice, but it's not the case and mine is beautiful too, just differently. Where is the limit between non-platonic, sexual, platonic thoughts..?

Oh okay well maybe it is an early sexual attraction, who knows But based on talking to asexuals they do experience what I experience, and it's not just thinking "okay that person is good looking", it's actually an attraction I wouldn't know if each glance itself was platonic or not, but I based my decision to remain single based on the fact that men (and some women for sure) are attracted to others even while in a relationship. So I don't need to know the details of each glance I don't think that there are men who aren't like this so I'm staying single.

And yes when you simply find someone good looking and don't feel attracted, that's different, I have no problem with that. In fact back in the day when I didn't realise this, I said something like, "Yes I'm sure my boyfriend thinks plenty of girls are prettier than me,, but he's not attracted to them." So it's not the fact that they think someone is good looking that bothers me, but the feelings of attraction that they have towards that person Also I think that females are good looking although I'm straight, and I think men are good looking too, the only difference is that I'm not attracted to them when I like someone else, I just have the opinion that they're good looking, whereas when I'm single, I not only have that opinion but feel attracted to them too. Hope I'm clear

By the way you live in France, right? I'm thinking of going there next year for a few months to study painting:)

Ok I think I understand better, thanks for your patience ^^'
I hope you won't hurt from being single, since it doesn't seem to be your ideal but the "lesser of two evils" :/ But I don't think all men (and women) are experimenting attractions when in a love relationship. I'm demi and clearly I'm not attracted unless I'm already close to someone emotionnally, so if I understood right, that would be ok for you ^^

Yeah I live in France, you're going to Paris ? If you're interested, in Angers are the Apocalypse paintings of Jean Lurçat, called "le chant du monde"(the song of the World). They're exposed in a gallery at the Angers' castle. You can google it to watch, it's a really interesting work ^^

Thanks for wanting to understand Nice of you to care

YES it is the lesser of 2 evils hahaha! Well said! Ohhh yeah well if someone wasn't attracted to others that would be okay, I'd like to think such people out there exist...

I'm thinking about it, yes. I will have a look at those paintings. What part of France do you live in? I'm Taiwanese American and I live in central west Taiwan right now

I'm sure people as you're looking for exist, yeah, the probability of that is high I guess, we're too many on this planet , there must be some people who don't experiment attractions toward others when they're in a relationship ^^
I live in the West of France, not very far from Angers in fact :p

Heyyy Yeah there's probably a couple people on this earth like me hehehe~ Oh wow that sounds good that you live near Angers. How's life? My friend's coming over today and I'm cooking some pasta. woohoo