I'm just a bit confused.

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I'm just a bit confused.

Post by AllytheZombie on Wed Jun 19, 2013 9:37 pm

A week ago, if someone asked me, I'd tell them I'm straight without a second thought. But after my friend came out to me as A-sexual, and after talking about it, he suggested that maybe I was a-sexual, too, because of my behavior. I immediately rejected the notion, but the things he pointed out to me I could not ignore.

I don't think I am a-sexual, after some thought, but I started to realize I'm not quite like everyone else. I never got to discover myself or "explore" my sexuality, because I was in a relationship for the entirety of my teenage years. I'm now 21, just out of an 8 year long relationship. I never really questioned anything regarding my relationship, like the fact that I never enjoyed sex much (it was just "meh" and more of a gratifying experience for him rather than me) or the fact that I remembered I had to ask my own mother long ago, if it was normal not to find your boyfriend attractive, even if you're in love with him... (She said some people are just like that.)

Many people I've had "relationship" talks with always talk about the temptation of cheating, even with random people, and the idea was just completely foreign to me. I just thought I was hopelessly in love, so those thoughts never came to mind. I knew that I could easily identify whether someone is attractive or not, but I never realized I wasn't understanding fully what people mean by sexy or whatever. 

In fact, I never really stopped to think what I meant when I called someone sexy, until now. I realize that it isn't that I find them sexually desirable, or that I'd "Jump their bones" but that I can appreciate the human body, male or female. At first, I thought this meant I was bisexual, but then I realized when I'm looking at people, I'm not looking at them sexually. I don't ever fantasize about having sex with strangers, either. I draw, and I find the human anatomy to be beautiful and fascinating, so when I'm observing people, I'm kind of making a mental map of their anatomy. I appreciate the human form, but I'm not sexually attracted to it. And on that note, I also don't much care for the appearance of either of the sex organs... (I'm a lights off, eyes closed kind of woman)

I only seem to feel anything for others remotely sexually when I am in a deep and meaningful relationship with them, although I've never particularly been very interested in sex as I think I stated earlier. I'm indifferent about it. I don't hate it but I could live without it and not bat an eyelash. Occasionally I'll get urges, but it's very rare. Sometimes I feel like I only ever had sex was to feel close and to help my partner feel appreciated and wanted.

I've even been put in the position to have sex with someone whom is regarded as extremely attractive and I recognized that. I turned him down, though, and insisted on participating in other activities, particularly ones that didn't involve touching.

I've never been big on touching. The only people I ever show physical affection for is my own mother, and my (ex)boyfriend. I dunno. 

I don't know what I am, or how I feel. I just thought everyone was kinda like me, aside from the lack of interest in sex. I just assumed maybe I have no sex drive, or that I have intimacy issues, or that I just never had very good sex or that I was just bad at it or something. So... If anyone could please help me figure this out, please, let me know.

My name is Ally, and I'm confused.

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Re: I'm just a bit confused.

Post by Halfling on Thu Jun 20, 2013 2:55 am

Hi Ally, welcome here Smile

I particularly understand what you mean when you say :
Allythezombie said wrote:I realize that it isn't that I find them sexually desirable, or that I'd "Jump their bones" but that I can appreciate the human body, male or female. At first, I thought this meant I was bisexual, but then I realized when I'm looking at people, I'm not looking at them sexually. I don't ever fantasize about having sex with strangers, either. I draw, and I find the human anatomy to be beautiful and fascinating, so when I'm observing people, I'm kind of making a mental map of their anatomy. I appreciate the human form, but I'm not sexually attracted to it. And on that note, I also don't much care for the appearance of either of the sex organs...

Same here ! I was only drawing male bodies though, or androginous bodies but well, like you, I never fantasized about strangers sexually. I'm kind of unable to visualize people in sex activities or things which could be "said to be" arousing.

About your lack of interest in sex, it's maybe hard to say after only one relationship. Maybe your "grey-a" (is the term right ?) but maybe you had bad experiences too. I can't say that for you of course.
I had in my life 2 real relationships + 2 "tests" (which went bad).
First time in my life, I kissed a guy and was like "omg it's terrible, I don't even like kissing, wtf with me ?! is it really like that ???!!!" but then I fell totally in love with my bestfriend and I realized kissing was just incredible when with the right person... ! We had sex but I had great body-issues (I'm a trans guy, and wasn't aware of that at this time...) so I took joy from giving her pleasure but wasn't by receiving it (or at least, not like I would have if I were feeling ok with myself).
I loved to make love with her, but retrospectively, it wasn't that nice for me.
Then I tried to be in relationships with friends who wanted me. To allow me to get over my first love (who dumped me the worst way she could have done it...). The matter was, I didn't love them. At all. I tried to see if love could emerge... with time... like I saw it was working for other people... But it didn't work. At all. Sex was terrible, because even if it was kind of arousing, I always felt like a whore after -_-. Eew..

Well, after that. Transition thing. Genital changes then, and pleasure too. Far better I can say. I'm now in a relationship, for 2.5 years, but we had sex only for few months now. (I'm with a guy who suffered sexual assaults when he was young so...  well...). It's kind of great, far better than before. And for many reasons. First, I love him (not like the few "tests" before), and well, I'm feeling far better with my own body and so my capacity of feeling pleasure and enjoying sex intimacy improved too.
But in an other hand, my boyfriend for instance enjoys sex very much when we do it, but he could live without it, without missing it. At all. I think. He doesn't masturbate (well at least I'm pretty sure of it, I think he finds it shameful and strange) and he doesn't ask for it, most of the time.
I can't say he's like you on this point, because even if he seems to act/behave like you on this matter, he does have a particular background and you might have a totally different one, so...

I hope my story can help you a bit. If it's not the case, I'm sorry and hope to have not bothered you. 
Maybe you're "mostly asexual", maybe youre grey, maybe your demisexual with sex/intimacy issues, only you can know and feel that. But most importantly, you're who you are, and you're as you are. :)Not everyone stands at a clearly defined shinny little place, and maybe you're just somewhere between, and have to live with it, the best you can.

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Re: I'm just a bit confused.

Post by AllytheZombie on Mon Jun 24, 2013 12:45 am

No, no, you've definitely helped. I've been thinking about it all further, and doing more in-depth research, and even talked to my ex-boyfriend about his take on my behavior during our lengthy relationship. 

It means a lot to me to have you reply with your story; it's helpful beyond grammatical expression.

I think I'd identify as a-sexual with aesthetic-attraction? I don't think I've ever actually gotten any of my urges from people, perse, but I think it's a biological thing... labido and what not, even though my labido is low. It's definitely interesting stuff to be learning about myself. 

I find it completely baffling how amazing it is, with how much you discover about yourself, set apart from your partner or ex-partner. Very interesting indeed. Scary, but interesting.

Really though, your input has been a contributor to making me feel more comfortable in my own skin. I really do appreciate it. Smile And hats off to a fellow artist!

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Re: I'm just a bit confused.

Post by Halfling on Mon Jun 24, 2013 12:28 pm

I'm glad I could help, really Smile
What do you put exactly behind the "aesthetic attraction" ? That you can find someone beautiful and it can be a part of your romantic attraction for someone, just putting aside the sex thing ?

When I met my boyfriend, he told me that sometimes -when he was alone - he would sleep with a pillow in his arms, to feel like having a boyfriend. And I think it was the only thing he was missing. The emotional, romantic physical contact, the hug and all. It happened to me to refer as being his "doll" or stuffedanimal, because I was feeling like the only thing he was interested in was to cuddle and cuddle up against me. And he often says he finds me beautiful, cute etc. So, would that be what you call aesthetic attraction ?

Oh yeah, I guess you're talking about the transition thing. Yeah that's right, it helps discover a lot about oneself, and not just about body representation and all. I take it as a great life lesson lol. Not that it's not hard sometimes, but well, it gives a lot of great things too. Great mind-opener too !

I find it interesting that you still have libido and satisfy it yourself (if I understood well ?), but what if you are in a relationship while having "urges" ? You would like better taking care of it with your partner or alone ? (I can understand pleasure can be better achieved alone than with someone, especially if sexual intercourse isn't particularly enjoyable)

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Re: I'm just a bit confused.

Post by AllytheZombie on Thu Jun 27, 2013 1:16 am

I think I consider Aesthetic Attraction just the whole... appreciating the human form, but not finding it sexually attractive kind of thing that I mentioned earlier (but I didn't know what to call it). I know I can recognize when someone is cute or beautiful, ya know?

When I first posted here, I was just finding out all this stuff about me, and so I've been doing research, and going through a bit of self-discovery. I think as far as a libido goes, I might have some-what of one, but I think sex is more of a tool for me to feel affection. After all, it's figuratively drilled into our brains that "real" relationships involve sex.

As far as the libido part goes, it's quite honestly something that doesn't much "kick-in" but maybe once or twice a year, and yeah, I do usually take care of it myself. I noticed that I rather be the one in control of that sort of thing, and even after being in a relationship for 8 years, I still would shy away to that kind of touching, and as I said earlier, I think it's like an affection thing... and if it isn't needed for the other person, then I don't want it or have much a mind for it. On top of that, I realized I never erm... care to if I reach orgasm or not, and like I mentioned, if I need that, I do it myself.

Something my ex brought up was that for nearly four years of the relationship, we didn't have sex, like it was perfectly normal. I felt kind of bad when I found out that it drove him crazy that I put him through that... But we're both still very close, even though our romantic relationship is over and I'm grateful that he's been supportive and understanding.

I was kinda scared at first to come to all these realizations. I didn't know who I was outside of an 8 year relationship, and it almost seems crazy how things have progressed for me. I'm shocked, but I'm happy, and I think I'm a lot more comfortable now in my own skin.

It's like having a bunch of puzzle pieces from all different puzzles, and I'm trying to put the pieces together for my puzzle, and I'm just now finding a few more pieces that fit.... Like, I can see a bit more of who I am now. It's a silly analogy, but eh, what cha gonna do?

My brain is fried from college anyway. bounce

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Re: I'm just a bit confused.

Post by AllytheZombie on Thu Jun 27, 2013 1:20 am

Also, thank you so much for talking to me. It means so much to have someone reach out to me when I'm going through such a confusing time in my life. You're fantastic, sir. Demi Grace is lucky to have you around. Very Happy

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Re: I'm just a bit confused.

Post by Halfling on Tue Jul 02, 2013 4:41 am

If sex is a response to physical urges (linked, for demis, to a romantic attraction), I guess it's also, and maybe more than anything, a "tool" to express affection. I wouldn't say "feel", for my concern, because I don't need sex to feel romantic affection, love and all, but it's a way to express it, and - maybe you said it meaning that - : a way to feel your partner's affection for you.

You're right when you say that the idea of sex as a part of a "normal" relationship is kind of "drilled" into our brains. I suffered from that when my boyfriend didn't want to have sex at all (for more than 2 years). And I still kind of suffer from it when he shows none interest for making love. I told him one day I was seeing our relationship like my parent's one. They're old, they still love each other very much, they even kiss sometimes but that's it. Passion belongs to the past, and it was like our relationship was like theirs, without passion... So I guess the pre-conceived image of Love Relationship was here somewhere into my mind. But there was also something else. I really want(ed) to get physical, because I want(ed) to get this intimacy. For me it's a way to show love, to express it, to feel like being the closest to him, and being able to make the other feel that much pleasure, it's something I find wonderful.

But I know that if my partner would have sex with me just to help me feel good, it would bother me very much. I would think of it as a "duty" he's doing, not as a love show. And it would make me sad... In fact, he already did it in this kind of mood : It was to please me, but he didn't really "feel" it. I don't know if you see what I mean.

But well, knowing all of that about yourself now, and completing you puzzle piece by piece, it'll be easier for you to find a relationship to fit your way of seeing and living relationships Smile

I totally understand the puzzle analogy and the joy and/or relief it can bring ^^
You're welcome, it's interesting to talk and share different backgrounds and way of living our relationships, it helps open our minds about a lot of things so, thank YOU. Smile

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Re: I'm just a bit confused.

Post by AllytheZombie on Thu Jul 04, 2013 1:25 am

I think you're totally right, and I felt a bit guilty after realizing I was doing that. I wasn't getting anything out of the sexual aspect, because I didn't care about having it. It really was all about making him happy, and ya know, I kinda thought if I did it more that I'd like it or something. I had no idea what to think or feel about this sort of thing, because I was uneducated and had no one to explain why I feel a certain way, which is truly a shame. I think things could've been a lot less confusing for me in the long run if I were told beforehand that feeling this way is something that happens to some people.

I guess my whole thing is, I am indifferent about sex. I'd do it with him because it made him happy and it gave him the sense of affection that I couldn't give him otherwise, in which I think he was a bit insecure with himself simply because I was not bothered to have sex.

And it's great if you want to get physical, and if your partner engages simply to help you feel good, I don't see too much harm in it unless they just straight up don't want to have sex. But they have to remember, you're not forcing it on them, and hopefully they don't FEEL forced simply because it's something you'd like to do with them. I'm sure you guys will get it figured out, just a matter of finding the right rhythm, I'm sure.

I'm not sure what kind of relationships I will have in the future, or if I will even end up in one. Surely one day, but right now, can't see it happening, strangely.

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Re: I'm just a bit confused.

Post by Halfling on Fri Jul 05, 2013 2:15 am

I think I have some issues accepting the fact that my boyfriend could have sex with me only to make me feel good. For me, sex is really something... strong.. and.. I dunno... It's like having someone watching a movie with you just to make you feel good about it. If the guy doesn't like the movie, or feel indifferent about it, I would feel bad. Because he wouldn't enjoy it, knowing that me, I would.
And sex is even deeper than this movie-comparison.... If we make love, I mean, it's a kind of union, I dunno how to express what I feel but.. I need to feel him be right here with me you know. If he doesn't enjoy it, he would begin to think about other things and all (which he already does, I guess..) and well, he wouln't be there with me...
I guess.. And it makes me feel... ill at ease.

I'm wondering something though. How does your body do not to have any reaction from sex ? I mean, it may be mostly psychological but it's also physical.. Even raped people sometime have orgasm from their rape.... because of biology response. So, do you think (it's an opened question) there is a biological explaination of this lack of "physical response" to erogenic nerve ending stimulations ?

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