What am I?

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What am I?

Post by SomeoneReallyConfused on Tue Aug 28, 2012 4:44 pm

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong category (as it surely is) but I don't know what I am, so I don't know were to write. And I need help.

I'm 21 and had a few rough years in my life, the last three hard because of my sexuality. For the last few years i identified myself as a lesbian and because of a homophobic family had a lot of struggle. But after years of depressions and crying into the pillow I decide to come out to my parents. I started to think if I'm really lesbian and then my friend told me I'm actually demisexual.

So... I'll try to explain how I feel and can you tell me if I'm demisexual or something else?

I wouldn't mind being in a romantic relationship with a guy. I was in one and it was okay, until he wanted to be intimate and I just CAN'T stand the thought of being touched by a man. kissing is fine, but nothing more.

I'm more than okay with being in a relationship with a girl. I was with two girls in my short life and I had sex with one of them and I liked it. I'm okay with being intimate with a girl.

I never find men attractive but women on the other hand turn my head every time I see a beautiful one, I actually have a type when it comes to girls. And I know this is personal, but I don't actually get turned-on by random girl in porn for example. I need an image of a girl I have a strong connection with to be able to feel something physically.

So... am I lesbian, or bisexual, or demisexual or heteroromatic but homosexual? I just don't know anymore

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Re: What am I?

Post by Aisling on Sat Sep 01, 2012 11:40 pm

Sorry to take so long replying! Our internet connection has been down for awhile, and it just came back!

Just by your description, I would guess that you are demihomosexual and biromantic.

That would mean, in shortest form, that you can have romantic inclinations to males and females both, but you only ever have sexual attraction to females, and only even then to females with whom you have an emotional connection.

Let us know if this helps, or if you need more explanation of anything. Smile
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Re: What am I?

Post by Halfling on Thu Jan 31, 2013 5:27 pm

Can I ask a question ? (well, I guess I can, feel free to answer or not) Why is it so important to label yourself as, for example, "demihomosexual biromantic" ? You don't seem too confused about what you like or not, what is ok for you and what isn't. You described it perfectly.
I guess you won't tell your parents "hey, guess what, i'm demi-lesbian bi-romantic" ^^" Maybe if you are in a relationship with a girl you'll tell them "hey, i'm in love with a girl, it could have been a guy but well, I didn't choose who I would love" or to make it simple "I've a girlfriend and it's serious"...
But well, there isn't anything wrong about being able to love men without having sexual desire for them and being able to love girls and have sexual desire for them. In fact there isn't anything wrong at all.
Maybe one day you fall for a girl and you'll learn it's a transgender guy. It could change your way of thinking about sexual intimacy with a man... Or maybe it won't. But you never know.

The important thing, I think, is knowing that all of that doesn't matter very much... You don't have to fit in the box "lesbian" if you don't recognize yourself in it, you don't have to fit any box at all if you're not at ease with them. You just have to trust yourself and feel free to love who you fall in love with, that's quite enough. Isn't it ?

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Re: What am I?

Post by Aisling on Thu Jan 31, 2013 9:49 pm

This isn't to speak on behalf of the OP, but merely in a general sense: for many people, having labels isn't about sorting yourself into a category, or even about having a 'more precise' way to describe yourself and explain your experiences. It can simply be a way of having a meaningful personal validation, through the language: if there is a word for you in the language you speak, then at some level it 'legitimizes' your existence and your experiences. Even if you never use that word, or if nobody would recognize what it means when they hear it, just the existence of the word is a great thing for personal empowerment.
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Re: What am I?

Post by Halfling on Fri Feb 01, 2013 5:11 am

Yeah ok, I know what you mean.
It's interesting but in a sense, do we need words to be legitimated, even by ourselves ? I understand it's a way of saying : "Hello, you're not alone, some other people are like that, it's ok." But I can't help thinking that, well, ok, but when I didn't know the word, did it change my experiences ? Did I thought "I'm not like others" ?
Not really, I mean.. We can't help being black, or gay, or tall, or redhead, or trans or whatever, so we live with it, as a part of ourselves.
I can understand why asexuals need a specific word, since it's really different to be asexual than [...]sexual in our society. But demisexual isn't particularly different. It is, I know it is. But I mean, I hardly see how it can be considered a big deal in one's life. It can be hard to live with sometimes, like it can be hard to be smaller than average.. but for example, to refer to SomeoneReallyConfused above, does that make you "who you are" ? It's a piece of who you are, surely, but it can also become "dangerous" to try to fit to this description. I mean : You seek for an answer to "know who you are". You feel the need to know if you're homosexual, homoromantic and/or bisexual etc. But if you leave this place reassuring by saying "ok, that's all clear now, I'm demihomosexual biromantic." What would happen if I don't know, one day you fall completely for a man and become ok to have sex with him, enjoying it and all ? Will it be an other storm of all you thought to be clear and established in yourself about your sexual-orientation ?

We never know what will happen. And I would say exactly the same about someone saying "yeah it's ok I'm gay ! 100% gay, no doubt on that, it's crystal clear, finally I can live with knowing for sure "who I am"!" ... Until this guy could, one day, fall for a girl (cis or trans).
What a shame to be stuck in an unnecessary maelstrom of existential crisis just because of a stupid new label we thought we found to describe ourselves perfectly.

I surely don't mean to be aggressive or what, I hope it won't seem this way in my writing. I just think it's easier to follow your heart and well, you'd unconsciously go toward girls (or guys if you don't need sex as a part of a relationship) with whom you previously would have had a close relationship... Smile

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Re: What am I?

Post by Aisling on Fri Feb 01, 2013 5:52 am

We think you're mixing up the cause-effect relationship between label and identity here, and while certainly there will be cases of people who do that same thing and do have the conflicts you describe, in less unhealthy circumstances, it will be the other way around: instead of a person locking themselves into one self-image through a label, and trying to live up to the label, they will adapt their labels to their identities-of-the-moment, flexibly.

When your identity requires the label to feel legitimate, and you feel you have to fit the label to be 'right' in your Self, then that is the unhealthy approach to this situation.

When your label exists to improve your understanding of yourself, by encouraging you to explore yourself more thoroughly and to be open to opportunities which might bring up 'exceptional cases' for your orientation, then that is the healthy approach.

People label themselves every day in more effortless ways: parent, coworker, gardener, martial artist, musician, user of a motor vehicle, literate, English-speaking, sighted and hearing, enjoyer of Italian food... and in all these cases, the labels exist not to limit experience or exclude exceptional experiences, but to assist in understanding and describing identity. The use of words is to broaden experiences and facilitate understanding, not to confine them or damage them.

If you never feel that you have a use for labels, then more power to you. We merely explain this so that it is clear: for many people, labels grant things which have necessity in their perceptions of their lives, and they exist to serve a purpose... not to obstruct people.
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Re: What am I?

Post by Ophiuchus_Denied on Mon Mar 04, 2013 8:02 am

lemme see if i can answer without writing a novel here, even though this is kinda getting off-topic and i don't wanna contribute to that too much. ^^;

for me, yeah, having a label DOES make everything clear. i muddled around for a long time thinking i was just chickening out of sexual relationships. i identified as straight for most of my adolescence, then realised i had a crush on a girl and started identifying as bisexual, then went through a few years where i sort of thought i might actually be a lesbian because all the situations i (as i thought at the time) chickened out of were with men, then went back to identifying as bisexual because no, i was still attracted to men.

then i discovered the term pansexual around the time i realised i was trans* (and later refined that label to nonbinary) and thought, oh, well that fits better than bi, but it's still not perfect. then i discovered the difference between romantic and sexual attraction and i decided panromantic might better suit me, and maybe i was actually asexual. it would make sense why i'd backed out of situations that had the potential for sexual encounters.

but no, i still wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, with whom i was in a brand new relationship at the time. so i found the term demisexual and...bingo. everything felt much clearer to me. i didn't feel like i was chickening out anymore, i didn't feel like i was just weird, i didn't feel like i had to give myself a "this but with an exception" label--even if they're cool for other people, i never much cared for them with reference to myself. i had something that described me and described me WELL.

the rest was further refining--polyromantic instead of panromantic, recognising that my attraction to most men was purely aesthetic, and so on, and so forth. so yeah, i might never use the labels except in discussion with people specifically about them, but they do make things clearer in my head.

and for what it's worth, i didn't ever go through much of an existential crisis any time i changed labels, especially not after i started discovering new ones and could say, oh, this suits me better, and this one better still. it was less not knowing what i was and more knowing but not having the words to describe and explain and relate to others and thus feeling alone and weird. so yeah, that's my take on labels, anyway, and why i need them, and why they help, and why i don't think labels actually preclude anybody from forming relationships with others--it just makes you rethink your labels, sometimes. ^^
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