Relationship Blogger Looking for More Info on Demisexuality - Can you help?

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Relationship Blogger Looking for More Info on Demisexuality - Can you help?

Post by Lara-PLM on Fri Jun 29, 2012 1:19 pm

Hi all-

My name is Lara, and I blog about relationships, dating and sexuality at Planet Love Match (http://blog.planetlovematch.com). I have pretty free rein as far as what I write about there, so, one of the things I want to use my position to do is cast some light on more uncommon, lesser understood orientations.

I'm looking for some people who'd be willing to share their insights and stories about demisexuality. Please let me know whether I can quote you directly, or if you'd prefer that I paraphrase what you say, and whether you want any quotes attached to a screen name, first name, or a pseudonym. You can answer by PM or in the thread, at your preference. To break the ice with a couple of questions:

How do you describe your orientation?

What has been your biggest dating obstacle as a demisexual?

Do you feel you have a higher, lower or similar sex drive to sexuals once in a relationship?

What is the one thing you wish that sexuals, asexuals and any others knew about people who are demi?

Since I'm asking other people to share intimate details, I guess it is only fair to start first: I'm married to a man, monogamous, bisexual. My husband definitely displays demi traits (he says I'm the only woman on the planet he's attracted to) but does not describe as demi. My sister-in-law is very openly aromantic asexual, and she and I have talked a bit about how/where she feels she fits in.

Thank you in advance for anything you'd like to share. Your admin has already been very welcoming and gracious, and this seems like a great community.


Last edited by Lara-PLM on Fri Jun 29, 2012 3:11 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : typo)

Lara-PLM
Lurker

Posts : 3
Join date : 2012-06-29

Back to top Go down

Re: Relationship Blogger Looking for More Info on Demisexuality - Can you help?

Post by Aisling on Fri Jun 29, 2012 3:06 pm

[Admin: To clarify to anybody wondering, Lara sought our permission before starting this thread and understands that Demi Grace is meant to be a safe zone for the orientation minority groups it serves. As long as these interactions are respectful of the users who participate, we endorse this thread and the affiliated blog. If disrespectful publicity toward demis and grey-aces results directly from this thread, or if we find that the thread is used to mistreat our users here, it will be locked. We strive to walk the line between maintaining DG as a safe zone and extending Internet awareness of demisexuality and grey-asexuality.]


Lily: I describe myself as demi-heterosexual, panromantic, and polyfidelitous. To clarify these terms, I am female, able to feel sexual attraction to males and people with nonbinary genders who have a chiefly masculine presentation but (so far) not to females or folk of more feminine- or neuter-presenting nonbinary genders, and with this attraction only occurring if I am first romantically attracted to the male in question. I am able to experience romantic attraction toward females and more feminine- or neuter-presenting nonbinary folk, and I have done so, but it has never escalated into sexual attraction.

I am part of a group of five people, including myself, who are all romantically and/or sexually involved with each other and who treat this five-sided relationship as a permanent and committed relationship equivalent to marriage; at this time this is a closed group, exclusive to its participants, the same way monogamous partners are exclusive to each other. One of our group is male (my primary sexual partner), two are nonbinary in gender identity (the more masculine of the two is my second sexual partner), and the last of whom is also female. The male and the other female in this group are also demi, but the male declines to give a response to the thread. The female in our group, Jade, will be responding after me.

It is worth keeping in mind that Jade and I are both blind, so our personal aesthetics are not able to involve visual information about any prospective partners. In my case, my aesthetics chiefly revolve around sound, scent, and touch: even after I experience romantic attraction and love for somebody, I still (so far) cannot experience sexual attraction toward them unless their voice, body contours, and scent have qualities I associate with masculinity. Things like stereotypically feminine high voices, body curves, and perfume seem to throw a strong 'off switch' for my ability to be attracted to them in that way, despite the fact that I love my less-masculine romantic partners no less in magnitude than I love my more-masculine partners.
Even if somebody smells, sounds, and on contact feels fantastically aesthetically pleasing, if I do not have have a strong pre-existing romantic attraction and intellectual bond with them, I am unable to find them sexually attractive. I think of it in these terms: trees are lovely, and people can be lovely, but I am not interested in sleeping with trees, nor people. It isn't until I've spent a great deal of time around a person, gotten to know the ins and outs of their personality, developed mutual trust in them, and essentially fallen in love with their mind that they stop being a 'beautiful tree' to me, and they become a candidate for sexual attraction. I am 21 years old, and of several romantic relationships of varying durations with people of varying genders and bodily presentations, I have only experienced sexual attraction to five people. Two of these are currently in my poly group, and the other three now have committed partners of their own and are no longer on my relationship radar, and they haven't been for a few years.

Strictly based on private communications with sexuals, I believe that my sex drive ranges from similar to higher than theirs, keeping it in mind that my only partners have ever been the two in my polyfi group.

I would like the other orientation communities to understand that demisexuality isn't something chosen or intentional; it's a psychological line in the sand that the mind won't cross for attraction without certain criteria being met, just like any other orientation.


You are welcome to quote me in part or in whole, or to paraphrase my statements, but I ask first that you run by me (here or in PM) exactly how you intend to use the words you choose. I trust your ethics, but context matters.
avatar
Aisling
Admin
Admin

Posts : 334
Join date : 2011-08-28
Location : Illinois

Back to top Go down

Re: Relationship Blogger Looking for More Info on Demisexuality - Can you help?

Post by Aisling on Fri Jun 29, 2012 3:19 pm

Hey, this is Jade, and I'm the other girl in the group that includes Lily, her male fiance, and our two nonbinary-gendered partners (both consider themselves pansexual).

How do you describe your orientation?
I'm demisexual and panromantic, and I'm polyfi in my current relationship.

Defining those: I can experience romantic attraction to anybody, although I definitely have a 'thing' for brainier people who can keep up with me in a debate, and if they meet muster over a long term and it turns into a strong emotional bond and trusting each other, then I can be sexually attracted to them, no matter what gender. In our polyfi group, I'm in a sexual relationship with our nonbinary partners and our male partner, but not with Lily (who as stated before doesn't feel that way about women, and I'm a woman).

What has been your biggest dating obstacle as a demisexual?
I think dating while blind is a bigger obstacle, frankly. Aside from that, I've known Lily and our nonbinary partners my entire life, and she and I met our male partner over the internet three years ago on a psychology forum. Dating never really factored into my experiences or Lily's until he arrived here from his home state, and by that time the relationship was already committed between him, Lily, and me, just not yet physical. Once we started going places with each other, it was less dating in the trying out a partner sense and more going out in a 'already decided I'm sticking with these people; this is just going places for fun' sense.

Do you feel you have a higher, lower or similar sex drive to sexuals once in a relationship?
I'm pretty sure my sex drive is higher, but I think my romantic drive is actually lower. I haven't been attracted romantically as often as Lily, for instance, and I can only name two or three real romantic attractions outside our polyfi group. Of those outside our group, two turned into sexual attraction, but I'm not interested in those people now that I'm in our group.

What is the one thing you wish that sexuals, asexuals and any others knew about people who are demi?
I dunno', I guess mostly just that it isn't about being some kind of prudish female service to patriarchy and gender norms for sexuality. I couldn't care less about if I'm seen as a slut, and slut-shaming (a big argument used against demis) just doesn't factor into it for me. It's like Lily said: there's a line in the sand, drawn in someplace deep in the mind, and it won't be crossed unless that big requirement is filled- that the other person and I have a strong emotional bond involving trust and romance. Without that requirement, just like Lily said, they might as well have the personal sexual appeal of a tree.


You can quote or paraphrase me on the same terms as you do Lily: ask first and say clearly what you plan to use of what I've said. Call me paranoid, but I've been burnt by interviewers before when I wasn't explicit about permissions, and I'm just not willing to hash through that again.
avatar
Aisling
Admin
Admin

Posts : 334
Join date : 2011-08-28
Location : Illinois

Back to top Go down

Re: Relationship Blogger Looking for More Info on Demisexuality - Can you help?

Post by Lara-PLM on Tue Jul 03, 2012 2:53 pm

Hey all-

For those curious, I've posted the blog entry based on my discussions with Lily and Jade: http://blog.planetlovematch.com/post/What-is-Demisexuality.aspx

Please feel free to leave feedback in the comments.

Lara

Lara-PLM
Lurker

Posts : 3
Join date : 2012-06-29

Back to top Go down

Re: Relationship Blogger Looking for More Info on Demisexuality - Can you help?

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum