Demi Grace
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Nice to meet everyone :) Empty Nice to meet everyone :)

Post by dRBY Fri Jul 04, 2014 1:41 pm

Hello! Brief introduction to myself: I am an 18, almost 19 year old college sophomore. I am a Psychology major, Educational Studies minor, hoping to pursue a career in either teaching or child psychology. I am an ENFP, and my Enneagram type is 2w3.

I always thought that I fit into society's definition of a "normal" sexuality. I am a cisgendered, heterosexual female who has never truly experienced sexual attraction to anyone except straight males. When I first heard of asexuality, I thought "well that sounds sort of like me, but I have definitely experienced sexual attraction towards other people." Still, I began to learn about primary vs. secondary attraction, and I realized that I had never experienced actual primary sexual attraction. I always thought that, while people could be aesthetically attracted to someone, that attraction could never translate into an actual sexual attraction. However, as I began discussing these things with friends, I realized that almost all of them would experienced a sexual attraction to many they found aesthetically attractive. I also began noticing a difference in the way we talked about attractive people. While I would remark "that person is really beautiful," they would continue on to say "I would hook up with them" or something along those lines. I had never even considered something like that. I considered these people nice to look at, and that's it.

The more I thought about it, the more my experience of my own sexuality made sense. I had always believed that a relationship based on a friendship was the strongest, and I had only ever been sexually attracted to two people (a very close friend and another friend who then became and currently is my boyfriend). But when I began discussing this with one of my friends, he completely rejected the idea. He thought that I was being stupid, that I was just a straight girl trying to fit into the LGBTQ community, that I was simply choosing to have sex with only people I loved. This really hurt me because I felt like my own sexuality was being diminished, and I actually stopped thinking about it for a few months. But a recent conversation with my boyfriend brought this issue to light again, and I talked with other friends of mine who were more knowledgeable about talking with someone who was questioning (one of whom is ace, which was extremely helpful).

I quickly figured out that I was so hurt by what my friend had said because it isn't a choice on my part. I simply do not feel sexual attraction to someone based on looks alone. Sexual attraction has only developed for me after experiencing an emotional connection with a person, and this has, as I said before, only happened twice. You simply can't choose who you're attracted to. I'm not trying to make myself feel special, or make myself feel important, or make myself feel like a victim. In fact, when I first saw Tumblr posts about how demisexuality "doesn't actually exist," it discouraged me from using that term.

But why did I care so much about using that term in the first place? Why do I need a word for what I am? This was a point made by my friend that I had a difficult time grappling with. Why on earth was this affecting me so much? I seemed to be desperate for some sort of label for myself, when in the past I have always been against putting people in boxes like that. But then I realized I had always liked categorizing myself. I love Myers-Briggs and Enneagram tests, and other personality categorization systems (like the Big 5). I love all of those stupid Buzzfeed quizzes, and I am constantly using all of these things to learn about who I am and how I compare to other people. They are useful tools to dissect myself and often I become aware of personality traits that I never knew I had. Not only that, it's a convenient way to identify and explain yourself to other people. By saying I'm an ENFP, 2w3, suddenly someone has a snapshot into what type of person I am. Having a term like "demisexual" or "demi-heterosexual" will be another useful tool, not only for myself but also for others, especially romantic and sexual partners, to assist them in understanding how I experience attraction. Lastly, this experience is ultimately a personal one. It doesn't truly matter whether or not my friend thinks that me being demisexual is stupid or not. While I care about what he thinks of me, at the end of the day this is all to help me understand myself better. If he is a mature friend worth having, he will either come to understand, at least on an intellectual level, my experience of sexuality or he will overcome his own personal biases, see it is important to me, and not give me a difficult time about it.

I believe my ultimate point with this introduction and snapshot into my limited experience with demisexuality, my questioning process, and the issues I have run into thus far is to let other questioning people know that the process of knowing yourself is never truly over. You will always encounter something new right when you think you have yourself figured out, and it won't be easy to do. Everyone experiences sexuality differently, and having a word for what you are is more important to some people than to others. Have respect for those whose experiences and desires are different than your own. For me, the questioning process will never truly be over, but I feel comfortable knowing that choosing the demisexual label for myself now doesn't mean it has to remain that way for the rest of my life. If I, someday, decide that there is another term that more accurately describes my sexual orientation, I can decide to use that term instead. This isn't a permanent decision, and it isn't necessarily life changing. This is just me discovering another aspect of myself that I never had a word for. And now I do Smile

Feel free to follow me on Twitter (@darbyw819), Instagram (@darbyw819), and Tumblr ( Ask me any questions, talk to me whenever, I love to talk to people Smile

EDIT: wow I didn't mean to make this so long. sorry, I'm a talker  Embarassed 

Posts : 7
Join date : 2014-07-03
Age : 25
Location : North Carolina

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