Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

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Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by CamisaNegra on Fri Nov 18, 2011 12:10 am

Just to be up-front about it, this is pretty much going to be "in which Natalie doesn't have anywhere else where she can talk about things pertaining to her sexuality and just needs a place to quietly freak out sometimes."

And right off the bat, you may want to abandon ship because what follows is going to be kind of sexual/graphic in nature.

I have never had a regular monthly period. Which is a problem. My doctor has had me on oral contraceptives to force my body to have a normal period for years now, but I hate taking them. (Or, more accurately, taking them is fine, but when I have to stop taking them so that I have a period, I become a raging hormonal bitch, or a weeping hormonal mess, or sometimes both of those things at the same time. This is not pleasant.) So I finally got my doctor to refer me to a gynecologist so I could talk about alternatives to being on the pill. There is nothing on the paperwork they sent me about my sexual orientation (which seems kind of weird to me, but whatever), so all this woman knows about me is that I am not sexually active, and not planning to be sexually active any time soon.

We talk for a while, and based on me hating the pill and not having sex, she informs me that the best choice for me is probably going to be an IUD. The next words out of her mouth are "But I'm going to have to give you a pelvic exam first, to make sure that we can safely put an IUD in." I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea, but I guess because it was a medical exam, the idea of a pelvic exam didn't freak me out like the idea of actually having sex does. The actual practical experience of having a pelvic exam, however? Possibly the worst experience of my life. Not going into any details, because nobody needs a detailed description of my pelvic exam in their life, especially me, but by the end of it I was freaking out badly enough that the doctor left long enough for me to get dressed and then came back and checked on me to make sure that I was okay. And I have to go back in a few weeks and do this all again when I get the IUD put in. At least they'll give me a local anesthetic for that, but that doesn't do anything to help with the knowledge that something that I do not like at all is happening.

Then, to add insult to injury, my mother (who knows nothing about me identifying as grey-a) starts harping at me about how I'll never give her grandchildren if I get an IUD put in, and how I shouldn't be so upset about the pelvic exam because it's just like having sex only more pleasant because it's over faster.

There's really no good way to conclude this except by saying that I'm going to go find the fluffiest fanfiction possible to read until I've gotten myself un-freaked enough to sleep.
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by Aisling on Sun Nov 20, 2011 7:23 pm

First off, it's totally okay to post this here. Feel free to get anything you need off your chest; you gave what amounts to an adequate trigger warning, and there is nothing here that disrupts the terms of service. Consider this a nice safe place.

Second... just so I'm getting this clearly:
-you don't plan on having sex, therefore contraception is not necessary
-your only reason for being on any contraceptives is to regulate your period (a situation with which I am exquisitely familiar)

-your gynecologist... is planning to insert an IUD...? Sense this makes = none.
A pure copper IUD will do nothing to regulate periods, and may increase the flow and duration of periods.
IUDs impregnanted with hormones do interfere with periods, sometimes blocking them completely, for the same reason taking the pill without interruptions for bleeding will stop your periods: the hormones are constantly there, never letting up long enough to shed the uterine lining.

IUDs are not under ANY circumstances designed to regulate periods, unless by 'regulate' you mean 'stop entirely' or 'cause to last longer and heavier when they show up at all.'

Furthermore, there is no science to suggest that sexually inactive people need to have periods at all. There are some types of oral contraceptives, as well as contraceptive hypodermic injections, which cause the period to stop entirely for their effective durations. Others, like Seasonale and Seasonique, cause four light, regularly occurring periods per year- one every third month, that's it.

With all due respect to you and your medical folk... in your position, we would be doing everything in our power to get another gynaecologist's opinion, and address to them directly: I am of a sexual orientation/preference that makes it *that* close to improbable that I will ever consentually engage in intercourse. I'm not looking for contraception, I just want to get my damn hormones under control.

As for your mother and her craving for grandchildren... that's another matter, and as somebody who is intentionally unable to have kids despite her mother wanting grandkids, I can readily say... yeah, it comes with issues and arguments, but it's nobody's business but your own. It's a lesser issue than the medical business itself, so it can wait.

Dang, I realllly hope you manage to get this all sorted out to your satisfaction, and that you find an alternative to the IUD (which based on your post appears to be an option you'd really not like to pursue, if alternatives can be had) as well as a gyno who will give you that alternative.

Remember: you are the patient; you have rights in the medical facility: you can refuse treatment. If they try to pressure you to one particular treatment, question them about it. It's not like they have any right to force you.

Wishing you all the best, dear.
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by CamisaNegra on Sun Nov 20, 2011 11:12 pm

Oh dear, you gave me a reason to start talking science. ^_^; At least typing this all out is helping me get it sorted out in my own head.

I've been doing my own research, because I don't know of anywhere else in my area that I can go to get a second opinion. From everything I've read, they use Mirena (the IUD my gynecologist wants me to get) to treat women with irregular periods (especially women with polycystic ovary syndrome, which is basically the closest to describing what I have even though according to my bloodwork I don't actually have PCOS, but that's the subject of a completely different rant) because while it doesn't induce a monthly period, one of the ways that it prevents pregnancy is by thinning the uterine lining somehow. I haven't been able to find any studies that can explain to me why that is, but it seems to be generally accepted by the scientific community.

I do technically have other options, but none of them are really good ones. If I didn't do the Mirena, the choices are going back on the pill, or doing a ten-day course of progesterone pills every month. I ruled out the progesterone because it's likely to give me the same side effects that made me want to quit taking the pill, and because of some logistical issues with my insurance (the pills would get mailed to my parents house and I'd have to have them mail them to me at my apartment every month, because my insurance company is ridiculous and won't let me stay on my parents' insurance if I try to have a separate mailing address, and while we've done this before, the post office has a nasty habit of losing packages coming from my parents to me). So my choices are pretty much Mirena or no treatment. I'm still trying to figure out which of those is going to be the right choice for me.

A side note: The problem with not having a monthly period is that it puts you at an increased risk of cancer. Four periods a year is basically the least you can have without running a serious risk, and if you look at the in-depth prescription information for Seasonique, they tell you that it's contraindicated for women who've had cervical cancer or an estrogen or progesterone sensitive tumor of some kind, because it's going to increase their risk of a recurrence of their cancer. This message has been brought to you by the biologist who has had a hatred of Big Pharma drilled into her by her hippie professors.
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by Aisling on Mon Nov 21, 2011 1:51 am

A side note: The problem with not having a monthly period is that it puts you at an increased risk of cancer.

True, it puts you at greater risk of cervical cancer, but it also diminishes your risk of breast cancer. Kinda' a toss-up in the sense that hormonal birth control which all but prevents the one aggravates the risk of the other.
With my family history, I'm more leery of breast cancer than other varieties, and act accordingly. *shrug*

Either way, it's excellent to hear that you are able to do your own information obtainment and such. I really do hope this all sorts out favourably for you, and that whatever you decide, it doesn't put you through undue stress and suffering.

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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by CamisaNegra on Mon Dec 12, 2011 3:54 pm

Resolution of the IUD situation:
I decided to go through with getting the IUD, and got it put in today. I've been pretty anxious about it, especially since I found out that my gynecologist was retiring and I would have to make my appointment with her replacement. It went really well, though. I dunno whether it was just that I was more comfortable with the idea this time around, or whether this gynecologist was more competent than my old one, but the only problems I had this time around were purely physical (I've got cramps like none other now). I'm going to be glad I got this done once I don't feel like crap anymore.
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by Aisling on Mon Dec 12, 2011 8:26 pm

We hope things go very well for you and that you get to feeling up to snuff soon. Smile
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by CamisaNegra on Tue Dec 13, 2011 11:05 pm

Thank you! I'm feeling a lot better today. The heating pad and the bottle of Midol are still my best friends, but still, much better.

Here follow a series of random thoughts from today:

I thought once I finished my undergrad I would be done taking final exams. Finals are a time of pain and suffering and I do not approve of them.

I need to go shopping for kitchen stuff for my apartment. And also for bedsheets because those are probably important things to own. And blankets. Definitely lots and lots of blankets.

Shopping for men's scarves is approximately 100% more difficult than I anticipated it being. And apparently men do not wear any colors that are not blue, black, or grey. Ever. This is what I learned at the mall today.

YESSS the shoe store I am going to tomorrow is having a buy one, get one sale which will permit me to use the rewards coupon my father gave me in addition to the sale thing. New winter shoes will be mine! For reasonable prices!

I swear, those last two things make it sound like I go shopping every day and that is really not true at all. I just need to go and return a sweater that my sister gave me this afternoon to try on before she wrapped it for me for Christmas, because it did not fit and is a hideous color. And while I'm out, my father has decreed that I am to buy shoes because my work shoes are falling apart.

I really need to stop picking at my face when I get anxious. I look like my chin and my gravel driveway had an unfortunate meeting. It's not okay. And mother, telling me to quit picking at my face? Actually not the slightest bit helpful. Doing something to decrease my anxiety (like maybe not bitching me out for not having my car packed yet when I've got a whole month before I move) would be much more useful.

And now it's time to go study psychology.
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by CamisaNegra on Thu Dec 29, 2011 12:35 am

I really need to get out of this house so I can start doing something about my panic attacks.

If they were some kind of physical health problem, I know I could go to my parents and have it dealt with. But panic attack? As far as they're concerned, that's mental health, which falls under the umbrella of "do not even hint that you might possibly have some kind of abnormality." Which is great for their perfect family image, but not so good for my health.

This post brought to you by two panic attacks in as many days. Wish I could figure out what is setting me off so I could avoid it, but there doesn't seem to be any reason behind them. Just sudden terror, and then I can't breathe.
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by Aisling on Thu Dec 29, 2011 12:36 am

Are you by any chance at a university? Many now have free psychiatric sessions available.
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by CamisaNegra on Sat Dec 31, 2011 12:58 am

Yes, I'll be starting at a new uni in a few weeks. I haven't looked into what they offer in terms of psych services yet, but it's a big school, so I'm hopeful that they'll have some kind of free program. My last school was tiny enough that they couldn't afford to offer free counseling, unfortunately, and I couldn't afford to pay. I actually have free counseling through my work right now, I just can't take advantage of it.

I move out next week, though. I can do this.
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by CamisaNegra on Fri Jan 06, 2012 9:43 am

Right at the moment, nothing could feel better than sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor in my bedroom in my apartment.

Of course, it's a ridiculous mess because I'm in the middle of unpacking, but still. I'm a happy, happy person.

Just thought I'd share. ^___^
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by Aisling on Sun Jan 08, 2012 11:18 pm

It's a wonderful feeling, neh? ^_^
Congratulations!
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by CamisaNegra on Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:19 am

Such a good feeling. I thought I'd never get to the point where I was all moved in. Not that I'm entirely unpacked yet, but all my stuff is here.

Now. Natalie needs to hold herself to a to-do list. So maybe if it goes on here where other people will see it, she will get things done.
I need to:
  • Put finish on the wooden kitchen cart.
  • DO DISHES.
  • Unpack office supplies.
  • Bring old CDs to Goodwill.
  • Grocery shop: normal bread, cereal, microwave dinners, coffee creamer.
  • Get gainful employment.
  • Find my ethernet cable or buy a new one, set up our wireless network.
  • Wash blankets and sheets.
  • Pester mother to ship the rest of my clothes.
  • Watch the new episode of Sherlock.
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by CamisaNegra on Sun Feb 19, 2012 1:08 am

Why does my life wind up being one in which the straight girl that I have a crazy crush on was sitting on the other end of the couch, about a foot away from me, ridiculously drunk and playing footsie with me because her sense of personal space no longer existed? And, of course, there's nothing I could do about it, because I was aware that I was too drunk to make any kind of responsible decisions. Stupid logical self. If you did not exist, I would at least have been able to cuddle up to her for a while before going back to reality, in which she is my best friend and that's it. And maybe I would have felt worse tomorrow, but I wouldn't be the mopey drunk girl alone on the couch right now.

Also, this post may very well serve as a convincing argument for why I should never drink again when I'm hungover and have to go out to dinner with my grandmother tomorrow.
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by Aisling on Sun Feb 19, 2012 7:24 pm

Oy vey. O-0;

What else can we say but... damn?
Good luck with everything, regardless.
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by CamisaNegra on Wed Feb 22, 2012 5:34 pm

Oh.

I don't actually remember writing that. At all. I thought I remembered everything from that night. At least I seem to only have posted something like this here, and not anywhere where it would lead to real-world repercussions.

Hmm. Good. No more drinking for me.

...she says, knowing that she's going to a friend's birthday party this weekend and will end up drinking.
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Re: Clearly I have made some bad decisions.

Post by CamisaNegra on Fri Mar 16, 2012 10:04 pm

I need to actually do something about getting into counseling. Now that I know my university actually offers it, and I'm pretty sure it's free.

I keep trying to write something about how I'm feeling, but it's just not working. I don't even really know how I feel, I just want a hug. Or better, a good long cuddle, but I'm not likely to get that. Instead, I get to lay in my room alone while my roommate has company, because I can't handle being around people I don't know right now, but I'd feel awful if I chased her friends out when she warned me well in advance that she was going to have people over tonight. Bleh.
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