Am I even demisexual? I'm not sure if I actually understand this anymore.

Sorry if this isn't quite the right sub-board; I'm a little confused with these new options.

So, as I understand it, a demisexual is a person who does not experience primary sexual attraction but does experience secondary attraction. So, it basically describes a person whose feeling toward a person may become sexualized with the development of a strong emotional connection. That is how I have identified in the past, but I'm starting to wonder about myself.

If I'm mostly just indifferent to sex, but I wouldn't necessarily mind it for the sake of my own gratification (just only with someone whom I trust completely), is it still appropriate to identify as demi? It especially disoriented me when I read Tegid's definition of secondary desire: "wanting to have sexual activity or romantic relationship for reasons other than pleasure, such as making/raising children, the social benefits of having a relationship, financial reward from it, or the other person's pleasure as independent from your own." (Sorry, I don't know how to do quotes in a forum.) So, if I would like to have sex with somebody with whom I have a deep emotional connection for my own pleasure, would that mean that I can't really id as demi? Because that definition of secondary attraction seems to imply to me that demisexuality implies not enjoying the physical experience of sex at all. I felt comfortable with that identity over the summer when I was in a comfortable environment at home where I didn't have to see anybody and my introversion could be satisfied with weeks of alone time, but now that I'm back at school and surrounded by people, I'm starting to have some doubts.

And I know I shouldn't be quibbling over terminology; how I identify should be completely up to me, but that doesn't stop me from looking for some guidance sometimes.

I'll break it down in simpler terms, if you don't mind. (Also, I've done some more board-shuffling; the thread is now where it oughtta' be, in the long run. )

Instead of "primary", "secondary", etc... which get tanglesome to say after awhile... I'm going to abbreviate.

Attraction type 1: attraction to outwardly apparent characteristics- physical form, apparent wealth or race or social status or gender/sex, etc.

Attraction type 2: attraction to characteristics that can only be learnt after you know the person well- kindness, trustworthiness, loyalty, intelligence, their own personal orientations and identities, etc.

Lacking Attraction 1 but having Attraction 2 = demi.
If it's the sexual version of Att.1 that you lack, then demisexual.
If it's the romantic version of Att.1 that you lack, then demiromantic.

Then there are the drives/desires/libidos:

Drive 1: The urge to have sex or to start a romantic relationship, because you will take pleasure from it personally.

Drive 2: The urge to have sex or to start a romantic relationship, because of things other than your direct pleasure - another person's pleasure, or making money, or making/raising a child, or benefiting socially from being in a relationship, etc.

Lacking Drive 1 but having Drive 2 = Semi.
If it's the sexual version of Drive 1 you lack, then semisexual.
If it's the romantic version of Drive 2 you lack, then semiromantic.


Attraction and drive/desire are not the same thing. Attraction is where greyness, deminess, and asexuality vs. verisexuality are determined (and their -romantic equivalents).
Sexual attraction is what determines the person or types of people with whom you would even remotely consider having sex.
Romantic attraction is what determines the person or types of people with whom you would even remotely consider starting a romantic relationship, in the specific "I am oriented to 'like' THIS group, and not THAT group" sense.

Drive is where hyposexuality, seminess, and nonsexuality vs. isosexuality are determined (and their -romantic equivalents). Sexual drive is libido, and romantic drive is what makes you want to actually be in a relationship, in the general "I would rather NOT be single" sense.

Based on all this, and based on your statements, you DO qualify as demi. A demi person can have any degree of libido / drive... they just cannot have a full measure of both types of attraction, to technically qualify as demi.

I'm demisexual, and I have no shortage of libido. I just absolutely lack primary sexual attraction (Att.1), and I have secondary sexual attraction (Att.2) in spades.

I don't see your questions as even remotely "quibbling over terminology". You had a point of confusion and questioning over terms, and your desire to see it resolved is productive and helpful to anybody else who reads your thread in order to gain similar understanding.
Thanks for asking!

Also, to quote in forum, frame the quoted text in the following tags:
[quote] [/ quote]
And remove the space between the slash and 'quote'.
The text will be in a recessed box on the screen.

I hope I answered your question to satisfaction. Please, if I am still leaving you in confusion, let me know. Next time I have web access, I'll address it.

That actually helped a very, very good deal. Terms such as hypo- and semisexuality as terms to describe drive are very new to me. So now everything's cleared up for me a lot more.

Although now I'm back to my usual disorientation about romance. I feel a sort of vague sense of "romantic attraction" that manifests itself as "hey, I'm very fond of you and I'd like to spend more time with you developing emotional and physical intimacy," but a similar sense of desire for emotional and physical intimacy exists in some of my Platonic relationships. Basically, I don't feel a need for a binary system of romantic vs. Platonic, but I guess maybe it's a spectrum? (Like everything tends to be.)

So, in a way, I have an intellectual objection to an inner urge saying "I'd rather not be single."

But, in terms of demisexuality, sexual attraction is based not on romantic feelings so much as an emotional connection. So, I can feel that attraction to a close friend as well, though that doesn't happen so often. Usually it's a desire to cuddle. (Sensual vs. sexual attraction? There are so many types of attraction.)

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this anymore. I just woke up at 6 AM and started typing. I should probably go back to sleep. Good night!

Sensual attraction and desire are independent from sexual attraction and desire, yes; not all types of touch are sexual, and not all sexual things are related directly to touching (i.e. fetishes and the psychological aspects, which are a huge part of sexual relationships).

One of these days, I want to make a very carefully defined grand list of attractions and drives, etc. XD
I like lists. ^_^

Romantic v.s. platonic are, I suppose, more like the extreme ends of an "emotional closeness v.s. kinship" scale; with most people, feelings for genetic family are very much platonic, even with a very strong emotional bond. Comparatively, some romantic relationships can actually be very weakly formed, so obviously it isn't a case of "romantic = emotionally closer" and "platonic = emotionally less-close".
The thing is, for people who experience both romance and platonic love strongly, there does tend to be a firm delineation of where one stops and the other starts... and for people who feel one very strongly but the other not so much, or just one at all, or both weakly... then that line gets blurry. I think the intensity of each side relative to the other is rather what moderates how clearly we each perceive a differentiation between romance and platonic fondness.

Suffice to say... for you personally, there may NOT be a need for it to be binary, but for the majority of people who experience both, there IS a need to differentiate between the two, because the difference is vast and apparent to us.

The "I'd rather not be single." was the most simplistic way I could get the point across, but really... it's not so much an aversion to being single (in which the sexual equivalent would be an aversion to abstinence), as it is drawing a high degree of pleasure from having that highly-trusted and emotionally-bonded company of another person or people.
It's a positive feedback being gained, not a negative feedback being avoided.

Wow Tegid, you ought to write the first demi encyclopedia!

I've always seen Platonic-romantic as a sliding scale -- I thought everyone did. It just goes to show I'm learning already!

Whoa, new terms to me- semi and iso...what???
I get your definitions, but wow.

Hmmm, I am a bit leary on the stratification. Granted I am in my 50s and have a substantial amount of history to look back on concerning past relationships. There is indeed a pattern but there has been enough fluctuation that I will only go so far as to say the best description for me is a HeteroRomantic Demi.

Stratification? How exactly do you mean, please?

Keep in mind that the terms I use are in deliberate avoidance of
a) 'normal' and 'abnormal', etc. "Average" in reference to libido (i.e. 'isosexual, &c.) is purely by the person's own perception of what is average, and unless they ask around, naturally there won't actually be a numerical basis for defining it

b) blatantly sexualizing terms (including but not limited to 'sexual' itself)

c) heterocentricity and ciscentricity, as much as they can be avoided and still allow one to be understood