When An Asexual Becomes Demisexual

I'm a 25 year old female, and a closeted heterosexual, but now after reading more about it, I think I'm actually a demisexual.

For most of my life, I identified as an aromantic asexual. I felt absolutely no attraction towards anyone. Then about four years ago, I started feeling both romantically and sexually attracted to men...and I was not ok with it AT ALL. I kept trying to deny it to myself, and after eventually admitting it to myself, every single day has been me just waiting for the feelings to go away.

I've actually only been attracted to two people, and only very slightly to one of them. I don't see people on the street, and find them attractive. With both of the guys I've liked, their personalities is what attracted me first, and then I started finding them physically attractive.

Earlier this year, I decided to come out (as straight) to my best friend. He didn't react badly at all, but telling him, and just saying those words out loud, affected me in a way I could've never imagined. It made my whole situation SO REAL. I know it was of course real when nobody knew, but now it's out there in the world, and I can't ever take it back. Every day since then has been so hard, and I can't stop thinking about how ashamed I am to be this way. I feel like I'm going insane.

I know it might seem odd to most people to be ashamed of having feelings when it's what's "normal" according to society, but it doesn't feel normal to me at all, it feels completely abnormal. I don't understand these feelings, and I feel so disgusting for having them. I feel so incredibly guilty all the time, as if I did something awful. I feel like it's completely disrespectful of me when I think of someone in that way. I just feel like a horrible person all the time, and feel like I don't deserve to be happy or even be here at all. I'm so confused, and angry at myself, and feel so alone. Sometimes I feel like I want to die. And I know I don't actually want to die, but sometimes I think I do because I just wish I could disappear and hide from the world and myself.

I need help. I just want to be ok with being this way, but I don't know how to be or if I ever can be because what I really want is to just go back to not having these feelings at all.

Hi Acenomore, welcome here.
It can be very confusing to discover things one ourselves, things we didn't imagine, things we don't understand. It's.. "shakening". You seem to feel very bad about having feelings. Is it about feeling romantic attraction or sexual attraction ? Or both ? (I mean, do they both are issues of the same intensity for you?)

Attraction, whether romantic or sexual isn't something engraved in stone. It's something fluid. You're evolving as you grow up, as you're aging. Your way of seeing the world evolve, your ethic, politic thoughts can evolve with time, your religions (or the fact you don't have one), your gender expression, your romantic and sexual orientation... What's important is how you define yourself. Those labels can be seen as tools, if you want. Sometimes you'll feel the need of them, the use of them, and sometimes you won't. Sometimes you'll feel better without having them in your hand, and sometimes you'll feel reassured, relieved, by their being at your side (or in your hand).

You say it can't ever be taken back. Well... it can. I used the term" bisexual" (well, not really "used" it but thought about it to describe my orientation) before discovering the word "pansexual". It's more precise for me, it feels more.. right. For me.

Nothing is "normal" or "anormal". Things are "among majority" or "among minority". Norms depends on society, cultures, eras.. it's also very fluid (a long time ago, being "fat" was a sign of extreme beauty and of great social status... now it's not that well considered in our society...). Yeah, it's not common for most people to be ashamed of feeling attraction (romantic or sexual). But what's important here is what YOU feel. And clearly you're afraid of those new things you feel. Why do you find it shameful ? irrespectful ? Is it sexual attraction you find gross ? I mean, feeling love in a friendship or family way doesn't feel that bad for you I guess, that's why I assume (tell me if I'm wrong) that it's mostly the sexual attraction which bother you...

Maybe you're "grey". It's totally up to you to decide what feels best for you. You can see the half-empty glass of the half-full one. meaning, you can see you belonging on the "non-sexual spectrum" or on "the sexual spectrum".

There's nothing wrong feeling whatever you're feeling. You don't hurt anybody, you don't even think of hurtful things about them. (and you totally could, wouldn't be bad ^^). You could think about killing people, what matters is you don't harm them, "in action". So, feeling positive/nice things, thinking about touching hands, about kissing maybe, why would that be wrong or irrespectful ? What could be irrespectful were if you did do those things without the person's consent.

I hope that helps a bit. I look forward speaking with you.

edit : forgot to say that you can totally define yourself as ace/gray/demi sexual as your "first important orientation". Like : I'm grey (hétéro) romantic/sexual. which can be seen as very different than "I'm hétéro - grey-sexual" where you put the "priority" on "hétéro". I'm not sure I'm very clear here, hope you understand me right.