Pretty sure I'm demisexual ...

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Pretty sure I'm demisexual ...

Post by CrashBoomBen on Mon Jul 13, 2015 5:44 am

Hello again,

A few days ago, I looked up some things on the web about asexuality. I did this because I experience certain issues in my sex life, which made me consider I could be asexual. The label didn't stick in the end, but I think the label "demisexual" does stick. Allow me to explain.

I've had a few sexual experiences with women during my life, although I can still count those on my fingers alone. None of them were during a meaningful relationship, I have to admit, as I've never had a serious loving relationship with anyone, female or male, yet. I don't consider there to be much there that qualifies as demisexuality about that in itself, but the way I experienced those sexual experiences tells a different story.

It has happened a few times during my life that a woman came to me, and told me she wanted to have sex with me. Not upfront, but their intentions were clear. I used to hang out on a forum now gone, for people who simply enjoy drinking alcoholic beverages now and then, and there were a few swingers there, so there's that. Me, thinking I was a heterosexual, didn't refuse to partake in sexual activities with those women. They were quite good looking, and kissing was fun, but it kind off went downhill from there. They were obviously experienced -as they were swingers- so that wasn't the problem either. I thought a lot of things. With the first one, I thought it was my lack of experience, as I had only slept with one other girl before, who I had a relationship with that only lasted two weeks. (That was all quite disappointing too, by the way.)

After girl number five -or so, I don't remember the exact number but I'm sure that's irrelevant- I started thinking maybe I was gay. That was not a pleasant emotion for me. The thing that convinced me that "gay" wasn't my scene either, was something a lesbian friend of mine told me. She told me -repeatedly- that finding out she was gay, was like a feeling of "coming home" to her.

I've had men coming on to me, thinking I was gay too, about six or seven times now. And I can tell you, I don't mind what others do in their bedrooms as long as it's all happening between consenting adults, but that was definately not a feeling of "coming home" to me.

So now, I'm quite sure I'm a demisexual. As I've never had a long relationship with a woman yet, I can't be entirely sure, but the thing that makes me suspect it, is the kissing part. (Tongue) kissing feels very intimate and pleasing to me, and it creates a bit of a bond too, in my case. I strongly suspect that if I would have a serious long relationship, I would actually enjoy the sex way more, just like others can enjoy the sex with someone they just met and think looks attractive.

I never "act a player," and try to seduce a girl I just saw/met just because I think she looks good. Never ever. It doesn't feel right. Some of my friends sometimes go to the annual erotic fairs here in Belgium, but for me, there's very few to see there. I mean, I can enjoy looking at a womans breasts and/or private parts, but it barely excites me. I enjoy it more like I would enjoy looking at a beautiful painting. I don't have any sexual fantasies. Not one. I masturbate to porn sometimes, but most of it doesn't attract me. I have a sex video of a group of lesbian and bisexual girls on my computer, who all knew each other quite well and some of them had relations with each other, and that's virtually the only porn video I've ever came across that I enjoyed to a degree I consider "more normal ... "

In conclusion, I find it very hard to enjoy anything sexual if there's no bond between me and the girl/woman, though I'm not entirely sure it would all work way better if I was in a long relationship first.

Thoughts, anyone?

CrashBoomBen
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Re: Pretty sure I'm demisexual ...

Post by Halfling on Tue Jul 14, 2015 10:20 am

Hi, fellow european ^^
I just wanted to say that, about the "coming home feeling", I really think it depends on the way people experiment attraction and how they feel about it. I mean, ok, some people can get like an illumination, having suppressed for a long time who they were, and then feel that kind of relief, this "coming home feeling", this "at least I found why I wasn't enjoying this part of my life" etc.
But it's not always all that simple... For some, it's really disturbing (if they're from a family where homosexuality isn't an option, for instance...), people feeling guilty, disgusted, or anything like that.
For some, it's not even an issue, I mean, there are plenty of reasons why something wouldn't feel right.. Maybe because you're not at all attracted by men, but maybe because you weren't attracted by THESE men. It doesn't feel right at all for me to be kissing someone, even if I find him/her really beautiful and nice and all, if I don't know her/him and feel strong feelings for him/her. Not because of their gender, or what they've got between the legs (since it's not -always- related with gender). But because it doesn't feel right if I don't have feelings.
So, I'm no saying you're wrong or anything like this, really you're the only one here to know what you feel, what's your orientation and all.

What do you mean by "relationship" ? A long friendship before moving on to something romantic ? Or long "love relationship" before being able to enjoy sex ?

Halfling
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Re: Pretty sure I'm demisexual ...

Post by CrashBoomBen on Tue Jul 14, 2015 11:08 pm

Hi Halfling, hope you're well.

About the men: I've been sort of attracted to one guy once... Not as in that I've wanted to kiss him let alone have sex with him, more of a case where there was "a hint of sexuality in the air." With women I know well, it happens all the time that there is "a hint of sexuality in the air," sometimes even a big hint, too. I really don't see myself having sex with men. And sure, not all of my reasons for that are purely sexual. The men who came on to me, have all but one been quite agressive in their way of doing it, which hasn't done good things for my appreciation of homosexual men. In the end, I guess I'll never be 100% sure I'm not a homosexual until I try it. Currently though, I'm very far away from ever wanting to try that. God, no.

About the kissing: Well, I'm not quite sure what's up with that. It could be that it has some outstanding esthetic qualities for me. There's something sweet and innocent about it, and then when you open your eyes, and you see her blissfully smiling face, close to yours, ...

I'm not sure. Maybe I just expect too much of it all. That's another possibility. Although ... there's definately something going on. I don't ever have sexual fantasies. I masturbate maybe once every two months or so, and I'm fine with that. I sometimes laugh at sex, most men don't do that, to my knowledge. Well, make that often. I often laugh at sex. Sometimes when I'm doing it, I wish we'd already arrived at the cigarette afterwards. (I'm a heavy smoker Very Happy)

About the relationship: I mean a love relationship.

CrashBoomBen
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Re: Pretty sure I'm demisexual ...

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