Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

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Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by aforestfae on Wed Feb 18, 2015 11:26 am

Hi Smile
I came across demi quite a few months ago, didn't give it much thought until the end of last month when I started trying to understand myself.
Demi (both sexual and romantic) felt right and comfortable and my 'happy place' on the ace/aro spectrum. But then I started thinking and over analyzing myself and getting more and more confused.
All my info came from a demisexuality specific website, the FAQ's and that all answered so many of my questions, I could see myself in them and it was great.
But I have no actual history of relationships with people, barely any crushes and no crushes that didn't start because the person resembled, even in the smallest measure, the current fictional crush/love/desire I had, that's my problem, I fall in love and desire fictional characters, their initial appearance draws me in, I end up immersed and obsessed with them and their world, everything about them fascinates and intrigues me, I end up wanting them to be real, to appear in my life, I never get that with real people, never the spark of interest or excitement, I barely notice people, I think I may have felt sexual attraction once or twice but only toward the fictional crush, it could have been hormonal and my obsession just being an outlet but I'm not sure. I say if they magically turned up I'd never sleep with them but it wouldn't stop me thinking about them in such a manner, I wouldn't be repulsed by it, I'd probably even like the idea, but I'd only be interested if they were my current 'crush', not an old one.
The only real-life scenarios I have are two guys that I thought resembled specific fictional characters/their respective actors, once my mind made that click I started being more interested in them, but I didn't want them I wanted them to be the living version of my fictional love, so I wasn't interested in the real person for them, which makes me feel so horribly guilty, it's not like I do it on purpose. The second of the two I still somewhat have the lingering kind of crush on, even though my obsession with that particular fictional character no longer poses any interest for me, but it's never been a romantic or sexual attraction toward the real people and I don't actually want a relationship with that person, I'd much rather have the human flesh and blood version of my current fictional love (yes this sounds crazy and desperate)
Anyway that's all I can think to put to explain my situation currently so any help? any demi's have similar experiences? Anyone know if this can really be demi? or am I something else?
Sorry for it being long-winded, I hope it all makes sense, if not just ask and I'll try to clarify Smile
Thank you

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by Halfling on Wed Feb 18, 2015 2:13 pm

Hi,
Couldn't the attraction toward fictional character be a way of feeling safe (because the relationship will never happen) I read things about that long time ago, if I remember correctly. Having crushes on fictional character is a way of avoiding real relationships, and it must be really frustrating, isn't it ? :/ Because
I don't know what kind of characters you like, but I find that most of the time, fictional characters are far more hollow than actual people.. :/ (and to be clear, I find a lot of people to be hollow too...) Most of fictional characters are "flat", and don't have realistic behaviour/manners and all.. :/
I can't say or know about you being demi or something else, but if you didn't happen to feel any romantic and/or sexual attraction toward real people, I think it could be a place to start digging, don't you think ? Is it about idealization ? is it about issues connecting with people and learning to know them ? Is it a problem of social environment ? (if for instance you don't happen to be surrounded by "interesting" people ? "Interesting" meaning "people you could be interested in" of course.)
I guess if you suffer from it, not from the difference between you and "most people" / "social norms", but from a sexual/romantic frustration, a "lack" of some sort... maybe it's not about ace/demi...
I think I don't express myself very clearly so I'll stop before being too confusing, I don't want to be misunderstood and don't want to appear offensive at all.

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by aforestfae on Wed Feb 18, 2015 2:30 pm

I think I understand what you mean, it could simply be protection or an ideal, I know I project the ideal on to others.
It's not so much the character as they are in the film, it's their personality developing in my mind, they do become an ideal and I want them to be real, badly, i can't find someone who fits them in the real world
It's incredibly frustrating, I actually do want a relationship with a real person, I don't know maybe I'm just really messed up or broken Sad

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by Halfling on Wed Feb 18, 2015 4:41 pm

Maybe by working on lowering your expectations and your ideals, you could manage to accept people as they are, with their qualities and flaws ? The ideal partner doesn't exist but there sure is someone who could make you like his qualities as much as his flaws ^^

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by aforestfae on Wed Feb 18, 2015 4:42 pm

I don't know how to lower them

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by Halfling on Thu Feb 19, 2015 5:33 am

Yeah, I guess that's tricky... Maybe by aknowledging that as it doesn't exist, you could be happy with a bit "less" ? I mean, for instance if you like the stereotypic muscle-hero type character, who's like "perfect" (which doesn't exist lol), smart and good looking and heroic and altruist and all... Well, is being "heroic" only a "I can die to save the world" thing ? I guess it can be heroic to "fight" to defend one's values and principle. Like someone active in Human right's organizations, engaged in things you think matter (environment stuff, help to minorities or poor people, idk).
I'm going blind here as I don't have the least idea of what are your ideals and expectations are, but I hope what I'm saying is "transposable" on any other kind of ideal/expectation... Smile

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by aforestfae on Thu Feb 19, 2015 6:14 am

Oh well I kind of already do that, don't get me wrong I find the character good looking and their morals/beliefs/actions or whatever make me like them but it's not that I don't realise people aren't that perfect I know I will never find the character but I want someone with the same morals and beliefs, it's the passion of the character And the excitement that their world creates
I fear dull and mundane and I don't want to settle for that
I don't expect an elven prince or a vampire to drop into my life
hope that made sense

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by Halfling on Thu Feb 19, 2015 9:03 am

The excitement of fantastic/fantasy world I can relate lol. But how is it related to the character? I mean, ok, an elven prince is.. well... an elf, so it's related with the fantasy world he lives in. But what's exciting about him being an elf? Does his behaviour come from his "elven condition" or is it about personnality ? Or is this something "time" related ? What I mean is, do you fancy old way of speaking or like "gentleman" behaviour, smth like that? Because to go back to our elven prince (yeah sorry it's just a random example), his behaviour and personnality can be found in real people. Someone brave, raffined (not rude, with style, polite, etc), with engagement etc.

But aren't you idealizing even the character's morals and beliefs ? I mean, for instance, most of the eleven princes or vampire I see in moviies/books/tvseries, are quite.. mysoginics and/or machists, egocentristic, condescending etc. I mean, some are "heroic" and all, but they've also lots of dumb or middle-aged conceptions of human rights and all. Well, for me at least. I'm not you so we don't share the same morals and beliefs I guess. But I guess you see what I mean, do you ?

They're some people who live for adrenaline shots, who risk their lives everyday. Not only firemen or policemen, but also extreme-sport athletes, people working with bad-ass viruses and all, people working with wild animals... And even without risking one's life, some people live an exciting nomad life, taking their bag and underwears and hitchhiking across countries, sometimes across the world. I mean, that's a way of life, a way of seeing life. If that your way of life, if you like adventures, action, passion and all, can't you find people who share the same interests ? Or is it not specific enough ? (or on the contrary too specific) I don't know, just asking questions here, exploring ideas Smile

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by aforestfae on Thu Feb 19, 2015 9:37 am

I don't think I was clear about my liking characters, I like my interpretation of them, in my head, such as in fanfiction, I can't explain it, I can't even pin point what it is,I don't see anything about the personality being something a real person can't be like.
Other worlds fascinate me, the differences between the magick world and the 'real' world.
I understand there are people who may be absolutely perfect for me, but I've never met one.
I never feel any interest past aesthetic attraction to real people, there's no interest, no one's interested in me I'm not interested in them.
I don't get to meet many people and those I do are just more people, no one stands out to me.
By exciting I just mean I don't want it to become repetitive and 'normal', no children, no job that bores me, I want freedom.
Oh I forgot to add, the what makes the elf interesting, his appearance, it's not typical, it's a bit different, it's interesting and fascinating and attractive (Think Prince Nuada from Hellboy II, Can't pin point what it is about him but I'm hooked)

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by Halfling on Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:06 am

Thank you for clearing things, I didn't understand all. When you say that you find no one interesting, is it just regarding romantic interest or is it the same thing for friendship interest ? Can I ask why people don't interest you ? Do you find them 'dumb' or don't you share any common points (like interests, hobbies, political views...) ?
You could like non-conform people in fact, am I right ? Non-conform "fonctionning", non-conform appearance ? (oh yeah, not everyone has elf ears or hobbit feet (well ok, not so fascinating that one xD) but there are LOTS of people with non-conform bodies. My first love had a really small big-toe on one hand, my actual one has kind-of-a-tail (can't see it, it's not made of flesh but he's got a longer bone at the coccyx, he sit like many people lol)... Well, and there are more particularities, from people with non-typical look, with non-typical eyes, with really out-of-the-ordinary bodies and all. That you can find in real people Smile (there even are people with factice fangs).

I guess that most of the time, those particularities are not visible at first glance (except for veron eyes). But there are people who can bare to stand out in public, having lots of tatoos, implants, piercings, colored lens, silver-colored hair etc.
And who have the same ideal of freedom Smile Maybe you don't meet them because you don't know or don't go to the specific "circles" where it's easier to find this kind of people ?

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by aforestfae on Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:13 am

I don't know why people don't interest me, I can find interaction causes anxiety or I just find people annoying in some cases, not everyone though.
it's pretty much no interest in friendship/romance/sex with people I see.
Non conformist looks are good to me, I find those people more appealing aesthetically speaking, but I don't feel romantic or sexual attraction, I never have, besides the fictional crushes, after I've made that 'link' Hence the maybe I'm demi theory (make sense?)
I don't even know where I'd find someone that fit my preferred non-conformist yet masculine type.

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by Halfling on Thu Feb 19, 2015 5:53 pm

Could you try to describe what's your non-conformist yet masculine type ? Smile
It's kind of a hard question, because you could be demi, but it would be quickly said without knowing if you could experiment attraction toward someone you've a special bond with :/ You may be demi (sexual and romantic), but maybe not. :/

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by aforestfae on Thu Feb 19, 2015 6:05 pm

hmm... well I can list some of the fictional crushes or traits they share I guess... it's a bit hard when you think about it.
currently Prince Nuada (hellboy II) is my crush so it's all muscles, long hair, fierce loyalty I guess.
I've been interested in vampires before, dark and mysterious.
This is so hard to explain...
I suppose it's that 'strong silent' type, slightly less typical beliefs, loyalty (big thing for me), conviction to beliefs, passion, power, intelligence, skills/knowledge in unusual areas.these all seem to be things I find attractive in my head.
This is quite hard so I hope it's made sense

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by Halfling on Fri Feb 20, 2015 6:43 am

Couldn't you find that around... soldiers or smth like that ? Loyalty toward something in particular ? (loyalty in general or in the relationship area ? Or smth else ?)
Just an idea but, did you try live-rpg ? It could be a way of finding people who like the same traits of behaviour, (but who like to be these kind of characters), and I find that people in the rpg sphere tend to be non-conformist for most of them Smile

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by aforestfae on Fri Feb 20, 2015 8:10 am

I was thinking that I'm not sure of any rpg or reenactment places or anything, not popular here

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by Halfling on Fri Feb 20, 2015 11:09 am

Oh.. then maybe online communities could help.. :/ I don't think I were of much help here, but it can take some time to know and understand oneself..

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by aforestfae on Mon Feb 23, 2015 3:20 pm

Ok I know I haven't been on here for a few days.
I've just stripped back everything and really thought about what I actually feel towards fictional characters and people in real life
Real Life- Never experienced sexual attraction to anyone nor romantic attraction but I can experience aesthetic attraction, without any communication between me and that person it can't develop into anything more (isn't that how attraction is formed 'normally'?), unless I have only become attracted to them due to a similarity to a fictional crush, but then it's more about my dream guy than the real person (I feel so mean)
Fictional- Aesthetic attraction is the initial thing I feel, it can develop years after seeing them first, it's not instant but it can be. I create a fantasy world, I fall in 'love' with them, I don't believe I feel actual sexual attraction to them, but I don't really understand the whole sexual attraction thing clearly.
It seems to be more of a sexual desire kicks in and they are the one I'd rather do the things with (is that sexual attraction or something else?), the idea doesn't repulse me in any way and I actively like the idea even without the sexual desire being there the idea is still appealing.
I have no desire for casual sex or sex early in a relationship, never have never will, I have no desire to get into relationships or date people I don't know, I'd rather get to know them, become friends and if there is still the aesthetic attraction and it's mutual then I'd be happy to date them (isn't that also how it goes?).
Anyway, it's a bit clearer for me now, still unsure of the 'appropriate label' but maybe one day

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by Halfling on Mon Feb 23, 2015 5:08 pm

Seems like a few days of thinking made things a bit clearer Smile
I don't think "classic" (I like this word better than "normal") attraction is "friends first, then if aesthetic attraction => ok to date and more". I think most people are "able" to be sexually attracted without being in love / having strong feelings. Doesn't mean they would go on casual sex/ one night stands. But they could get excited sexually only by aesthetic and/or what they can feel from the person they find attractive.

For instance, I can't have sexual attraction toward someone I'm not in love with, even if I find them reaaaally cute / aesthetically at my taste lol. Even the idea of having sex with them doesn't cross my mind, I just can't imagine it. I don't know if that helps with what you were asking about as "normal" or not. (sorry my sentence is terrible)

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by aforestfae on Mon Feb 23, 2015 5:22 pm

Yeah normal wasn't quite the word I wanted to use perhaps more socially expected or socially typical? socially desirable?
I understand, I myself never consider sex with people I actually meet, only ever think about it in regards to my future partner/current fictional crush.
I get slightly confused, because depictions of the 'desirable' way of doing things is get to know each other, yet so many people seem to get into relationships without that

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by Halfling on Wed Feb 25, 2015 5:08 am

I guess a longterm relationship imply getting to know each other. But lots of people don't seek longterm relationship, and "just want to have fun" by enjoying a relationship with someone they "like", they've got good sex with, and nothing more, knowing they won't spend the rest of their life with them.
And people tend to be able to separate love feelings and sex, so it doesn't bother them to have sex with people they don't know or even don't like, because it's just sex.

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by aforestfae on Wed Feb 25, 2015 5:59 am

True
I found my place, I figured it out yesterday.
Although Asexual is the overall term, say outside of Asexuality forums, the more specific label is Demi-Cupiosexual, I desire a sexual relationship with a strong emotional bond but lack any actual sexual attraction, I feel like my explanation is not clear, hence why Asexual is the simple way of explaining it to people, having the additional labels just makes me feel a bit 'safer' since I don't feel I completely fit asexual, I find sexual attraction and desire seem to be a kind of fine line, I struggle to separate them for myself, I see it as, the sexual desire may one day develop into sexual attraction, but it's only ever going to be with someone I've bonded with very strongly because that's the only kind of sexual desire I feel, hope that makes sense Smile

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Re: Can you help me figure out if I'm demi?

Post by Halfling on Wed Feb 25, 2015 1:07 pm

That's great for you, I'm glad you could find your place. Don't be too rigid with the labels though, labels are what we make of them. And thank you for teaching me a new word ^^ hehe. Totally make sense. Smile

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