Trying to work out if I'm demisexual - advice and thoughts appreciated!

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Trying to work out if I'm demisexual - advice and thoughts appreciated!

Post by legless_the_elf on Sat Jun 21, 2014 4:45 pm

Hello everyone! As I mentioned in my introductory post, I joined this forum because I'm currently massively confused and would really like to talk to some people who know about demisexuality. Apologies in advance for a long and rambly post.

I'm 28, and have only been in one serious relationship before, in my early 20s (additionally, my ex is the only person I've ever had sex with). We broke up when I was having a really severe bout of depression. In the six years since the breakup, I've got to the point where I manage the depression really well, have overcome at least some of the feelings of "there's no point even thinking about finding someone because I'm totally repellant and unloveable", and feel like I'm able to be in a relationship again.

Last year, I went on a few dates with a guy. Initially I was really excited, and we got on very well, but at the end of the first date he kissed me and I felt a mixture of extreme awkwardness and absolutely nothing. I went on two more dates with him, and at the end of the third had to tell him that I'd completely misread my initial feelings and only wanted to see him as a friend. (He was lovely about it, but I still felt awful).

I joined OKC a few months ago, and I've had a few dates, but I've not had any non-platonic feelings about the guys in question, even though we've had loads in common - so, a repeat of the same situation with the guy from last year, but at least without the awkward kissing.

I'm prone to overanalysing (that's depression for you) and ended up posting a long ramble on FB about how I couldn't tell if I genuinely wasn't interested in these guys, or if I was subconsciously sabotaging myself because I haven't been in a relationship for such a long time and don't have a clue how to do it any more - that I'm giving myself an immediate out rather than having to deal with Scary Grown-Up Feelings and risk getting hurt again. (Also, on what feels like a bit of a silly note - I've been nursing a massive crush on an actor for a really long time now, and was wondering if that was just another way of my brain avoiding real romantic situations).

Amid the well-meaning friends telling me "don't worry, don't rush it, you'll find someone eventually and know when it's right", one acquaintance messaged me saying "This is exactly how I felt before I realised I was demisexual." We had a bit more of a chat about it, and she mentioned a lot of other things that resonated with me (for example, she mentioned knowing several demisexual people who get massive crushes on celebrities/people they don't know, because there's something about their work or their persona that they admire, rather than because of their looks - which struck a chord with me and the aforementioned massive crush).

To finally get to the point - there was a lot in her description of her experiences of demisexuality that seemed to fit with me, but also a lot that left me questioning. I lean towards thinking that I might be demisexual because I tend to think "eh, he's cute" more than thinking "goddammit he's really hot I'd like to jump on him" - I'm very rarely interested in people sexually. I haven't had sex since I was with my ex, and deep down I know I'm not so repellent that I couldn't find a one-night stand, which kind of implies that I haven't really been looking. (I say "implies" because I really don't know my own thoughts and feelings, which is why I'm here).

On the other hand, I *really* miss sex, and there's part of me that *does* want a random hookup without having to worry about a relationship (I did nearly go home with one guy a few months ago, until he let slip that he was married, which is a total dealbreaker for me). Also, I seem to have this tendency where, if I know someone for long enough, I can't be interested in them romantically any more - which seems to be the opposite of being demisexual. (Or I could have convinced myself of that. As I said, I *really* don't know my own brain, and am constantly second-guessing myself!)

I would really appreciate anyone's advice or thoughts. I'm not seeking out a label for myself, but I feel that if my way of relating to people *does* fall under demisexuality, that might help me actually work out how to approach relationships (because I'm getting kind of lonely, six years is a long time), and also work out what the hell is going on in my brain, what's genuine feelings and what's me imagining stuff.

legless_the_elf
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Re: Trying to work out if I'm demisexual - advice and thoughts appreciated!

Post by jonasadieu on Mon Aug 18, 2014 5:53 pm

Hi Elf,

You have quite a story there. I am not sure whether you are demisexual, but you sure rely on emotions a lot.

I am 27 years old, and I was in a serious relationship only once. There was a fling also, but there were emotions involved also.

I understand you regarding the brain, the feelings. Its all a mess inside of me. And more than once I had turned women away, all because lacking chemistry with them.

When I was younger I could try to kiss with women I dont know, but now I know for sure, that I need to become very close with a person, to be sexually aroused. Its really strange, because it seems the whole world outside works under completely different rules.

I have an image of a bad guy, meaning that I am very extroverted, and pretty confident, but regarding relationships I am very conservative, and I am still not completely sure how my sexuality works.

I have met a very interesting woman lately, I am growing close to her, but she is rushing me into sex, and frankly speaking it did not happen a few times. I am so affraid of losing her, and in the past sex was never an issue, it would grow naturally.

So basically, I think I understand you, and in my opinion you, and me partially... we could be demisexual, as I see sex only as extension of emotions, while the rest of the world thinks otherwise. Its hard to be misunderstood... and to find person who would fit views complex as such. Women just dont have patience to invest time into special moments, emotions... sometimes they just want to fuck me, and it does not happen fast.

Generally speaking all is messed up.

Regards,

AJ

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Re: Trying to work out if I'm demisexual - advice and thoughts appreciated!

Post by dRBY on Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:20 am

I would suggest trying out calling yourself "demisexual" and see how natural it feels. If, after a period of time, you're still feeling uncomfortable with it, I would consider another term like "grey-a." It's important to remember that calling yourself demisexual once does not mean you have to be exactly demisexual for the rest of your life. If that feels closest to what you are right now, use it. Again, if it feels unnatural even after using it and explaining it a few times, consider other terms.

Also, I would recommend browsing the dictionary, it's really helpful in understanding just a taste of the wide array of genders and sexualities that people have, and can help you decipher what exactly you are.

Figuring out who you are sexually, just like figuring out everything else about yourself, is a process that I don't think is ever truly over. Never be afraid to reevaluate where you are and consider changing how you refer to yourself. It's important to being a healthy and fully realized individual and it can help you relate to others, whether those people are sexual or romantic partners, or just a random person on the street.

Good luck in everything you do Smile
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