A Shared Experience?

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A Shared Experience?

Post by Alowishes on Mon Apr 21, 2014 2:18 am

So I still consider myself somewhat of an outsider yet to the Demi community, simply because it's barely six months since I had decided to do a little soul searching, and then a little over three months since I discovered I was more demi than ace due to the fact that I have, indeed, felt a sexual attraction at one point in the only serious relationship I have been in so far. To add to it all, I feel I'm something of a late-bloomer, having finally discovered who I am at 22, rather than confidently coming into my own as a pre-teen like most people. That's an entirely separate issue though.

I want to focus on a experience I had many times through the course of the aforementioned relationship, as it's something that has had me question my demisexuality and as deeply personal as it is by nature I was hoping to see if anyone else shares the same experience I do.

From my understanding (again, freshly ordained demi here) the blanket "definition" of demisexuality is having secondary sexual attraction towards another, and very little to no primary sexual attraction at all. That is, on one hand, precisely how my relationship went with the guy I was dating at the time. However, when our relationship grew intimate, things got complicated. Long story short I lacked a great deal of self-confidence back then; curiosity, consent, and 'society's imposed obligations of a girlfriend' didn't all align. I began to realize that a little too late in the game when sex became a regular thing between us. I can say, with confidence, that while I did feel sexually attracted to him, I didn't have much of a desire for it. I thought something was seriously wrong with me - that I was "broken" - when I could find pleasure and strong emotional connection in the first minute or so, but was bored out of my mind (and sometimes, in pain) the rest of the duration.

As a side note, the relationship ended over a year and a half ago. Now, with knowing where I stand on the spectrum, while I don't care much to find a new relationship right now I do at least feel confident that I can communicate clearly with whatever future partner I may have so this sort of complication would not happen again. However that hasn't changed the fact that this experience has hung on my mind as a matter of uncertainty regarding my sexuality.

Is it possible to identify as demisexual only in the 'sexual attraction' department - has anyone else felt this way?
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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by Halfling on Mon Apr 21, 2014 4:48 am

You're meaning you would be ace but with a "demi" kind of sexual attraction ?
With the context you're giving of your relationship, I get questionned about the way you felt regarding your sex experience. I understand it was the first one, am I right ?
Because clearly, with all the mixed feelings involved at the time, and a boyfriend who was maybe more focused on him than on his partner... it could be an explaination of the "bored" thing, pain and all :/ (if you wasn't excited anymore during sex, no surprising it got painful...) don't you think ?
Did you have other experiences of love or sexual attraction leading to actual sex etc ?
I tend to think (maybe scientific way of thinking lol) that we have to get experiences to know for sure about something, when we're guessing about it. Of course if you feel it clearly there is no point forcing you to do anything you wouldn't but when it's not this clear... I mean, for instance, someone feeling being straight without a doubt won't need to "try sex with same sex/gender people". But someone experimenting doubts about it could. The same way : a gay man who wouldn't enjoy his first sexual experience with an other guy wouldn't have to think as a deduction that he must be straight.... It may just be because he was with a jerk, or he tried something he will never like, or it was his first experience so... rarely the best one ^^'... etc....

That being said, how do you feel about it ?

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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by trina0214 on Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:13 pm

Hi Alowishes,

I experienced similar situation with you but mine case is more complicated and I couldn't figure out my identity until my 2nd marriage Sad (guess I was to naive)

I guess I called myself as sapio- demi sexual attraction-ace! Ha!

First I only attracted to intelligence people or at least I think they are intelligence in my opinion. Then I get to know them and have relationship with them. But not all smart people I felt for,only the one I have deep connection with my personal philosophy. I married to my first husband when I was 20. I had all the romantic things with him until we had sex and I was like "eh" and got bored quickly in the middle of sex. So I was wondering why I felt that way even though I loved him so much. When he was on business trip I missed him but not the sex! Well, all the time we had sex, I faked my orgasm!

Make long story short, I felt the same way for my ex boyfriend and now to my current husband! Yes, sad very sad situation. I thought I have problem with my body, I thought because my hormone level isn't balance so that why I don't enjoy sex. But not until I came across this and everything started to make perfectly sense to me! My god, I was so miserable for all those years about who I am and why I couldn't feel honest with myself. I was lost until now. And thanks to the forum, I feel so much happier. Well, on other hand, my husband didn't. He asked me to go for psychologist. I know they can't help me wwith that because deep down I know who I am but to make him happy, I have to. And after that, we will see how our relationship goes! But from now on, no more lies to myself and my feeling for others! i know the cause and I'm happy for who I am. Oh, I still want to have kids someday Smile


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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by trina0214 on Wed Sep 10, 2014 8:01 pm

Hi Alowishes,

I experienced similar situation with you but my case is more complicated and I couldn't figure out my identity until my 2nd marriage Sad (guess I was to naive)

I guess I call myself as sapio- demi sexual attraction-ace! Ha!

First I only attract to intelligence people or at least I think they are intelligence in my opinion. Then I get to know them and have relationship with them. But not all smart people I met I felt for,only the one I have deep connection with my personal philosophy. I married to my first husband when I was 20. I had all the romantic things with him until we had sex and I was like "eh" and got bored quickly in the middle of sex. So I was wondering why I felt that way even though I loved him so much. When he was on business trip I missed him but not the sex! Well, all the time we had sex, I faked my orgasm!

Make long story short, I felt the same way for my ex boyfriend and now to my current husband! Yes, sad very sad situation. I thought I have problem with my body, I thought because my hormone level isn't balance so that why I don't enjoy sex. But not until I came across this and everything started to make perfectly sense to me! My god, I was so miserable for all those years about who I am and why I couldn't feel honest with myself. I was lost until now. And thanks to the forum, I am so much happier. Well, on other hand, my husband doesn't. He asks me to go for psychologist. I know they can't help me with that because deep down I know who I am but to make him happy, I have to. And after that, we will see how our relationship goes! But from now on, no more lies to myself and my feeling for others! i know the cause and I'm happy for who I am. Oh, I still want to have kids someday Smile


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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by trina0214 on Wed Sep 10, 2014 8:04 pm

Hi Alowishes,

I experienced similar situation with you but mine case is more complicated and I couldn't figure out my identity until my 2nd marriage Sad (guess I was to naive)

I guess I called myself as sapio- demi sexual attraction-ace! Ha!

First I only attracted to intelligence people or at least I think they are intelligence in my opinion. Then I get to know them and have relationship with them. But not all smart people I felt for,only the one I have deep connection with my personal philosophy. I married to my first husband when I was 20. I had all the romantic things with him until we had sex and I was like "eh" and got bored quickly in the middle of sex. So I was wondering why I felt that way even though I loved him so much. When he was on business trip I missed him but not the sex! Well, all the time we had sex, I faked my orgasm!

Make long story short, I felt the same way for my ex boyfriend and now to my current husband! Yes, sad very sad situation. I thought I have problem with my body, I thought because my hormone level isn't balance so that why I don't enjoy sex. But not until I came across this and everything started to make perfectly sense to me! My god, I was so miserable for all those years about who I am and why I couldn't feel honest with myself. I was lost until now. And thanks to the forum, I feel so much happier. Well, on other hand, my husband didn't. He asked me to go for psychologist. I know they can't help me wwith that because deep down I know who I am but to make him happy, I have to. And after that, we will see how our relationship goes! But from now on, no more lies to myself and my feeling for others! i know the cause and I'm happy for who I am. Oh, I still want to have kids someday Smile


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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by Halfling on Thu Sep 11, 2014 5:23 am

Trina0214, when you say "sapio- demi sexual attraction-ace", how are connected the terms between each others ? It's like "sapio-demi" (being attracted romantically only when you have a close bond with people wth intelligence ?) and asexual (not any sexual attraction even when you're in love) ?

The term sapio-romantic/sexual makes me wonder.... in what can people be attracted to in someone if not by "who they're", and well, intelligence is a part of that isn't it ? I mean, you're in love with a QI or with someone you find interesting because smart ? And what "intelligence" refers to ? Intellectual intelligence ? My boyfriend is reaaaaaally smart about politic, he understands that very well, and far better than me (an than lots of journalists) but he's a total zero in mathematics.. so, is he what "intelligence" refers to ?
What about artistic intelligence ? Social intelligence ? Empathic intelligence ? Philosophic intelligence? etc... Intelligence doesn't mean anything, and it means everything. So well, I've some issues understanding what people put behind this blured "concept".
Maybe dumb from me to ask that, but aren't we all in love with someone's mind when we're in love ? People don't "fall in love" with just bodies. At least not where I live oO..

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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by trina0214 on Thu Sep 11, 2014 1:21 pm

You got your point Halfling, there are alot of different kind of intelligence and we all find them interesting. But I'm drawn into someone who has the philosophic intelligence and artistic intelligence( find attracted to) others I can say they are very interesting to listen to,to be friend with them. But for the one I'm interested in, the feeling develop from friend to "in love" as time goes and I can say I'm very attached. I can't imagine how my life would be without him.
But I hate politic and game geeks:). I run far away if I meet those kind of people! Talking to them make me have headache Sad

I enjoy companionship and romantic relationship( kissing, hold hand, etc..) but when it comes to sex, very complicated. I have to controll the situation to keep me interested, otherwise I feel bored and my mind started wandering on its own. But no matter what I forced myself to be interested in sex, I couldn't! I was ok for the 1st 10 mins and then like ok, and then now I'm bored, now finished it quickly Sad . So I experienced the same things with 3 different people in my love life so far.
Problem with myself? Feeling very weird about myself Sad

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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by Halfling on Thu Sep 11, 2014 4:46 pm

Thanks for clarifying Smile
I understand you feel weird not to be interested in sex, but that's just "uncommon", not necessarily "a problem". It is one if you're frustrated by that, or if you have sexual attraction but can't get a "release" / are unable to fulfil this attraction/arousal. But if you don't, well... lots of people think beyonce or the Twilight guy are soooooo "beautiful/gorgeous/sexy/...". I don't, well, it may be "uncommon", but I'm ok with it, they are just not my type. Maybe sex isn't your "cup of tea" lol, that's ok.
What's can be tricky is if your boyfriend has a problem with that, since his sex life isn't fulfilled, it can result with YOU being frustrated and feeling bad about it, since you surely want your relationship to work for both of you. I guess it can be sometimes difficult to get aware of the source of the frustration between the sex in itself, or the frustration to make the other frustrated.

You don't get aroused when things become sex-oriented with your boyfriend ? I can't totally relate since I'm not ace and do experiment sex drive/sexual attraction/arousal, but if you're not ace, maybe you're like "frigid" or something, like nerves don't react to erogenous stimulation, that kind of thing. But well, I guess only you can know for sure.

But I hope you won't keep feeling weird about yourself. There are soooo many kind of way to be, to feel about sex, about lots of things.. It's hard in our very-sexualized society to be different in this area, but you're not weird if you're ace, you're not weird if you're not, you're just you, maybe a bit uncommon, but not less than... lots of people everywhere^^

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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by trina0214 on Thu Sep 11, 2014 9:40 pm

Thanks for your comforts, I really appreciate you put your time here with me. Well, let's say I'm a super liar! All of them are satisfied with our sex life Smile Only I can't feel fullfill in my part! I don't feel sex is gross, or I have to avoid in my life, it's just like have it or not have it doesn't matter. I just have to get it done quickly than others haha! I don't even know i'm ace or demi anymore Smile

And oh yea, I totally agree with you about celebrities part. I don't see them cute/ hot/ etc at all. Well, when my friend said oh Beyonce is so sexy then I asked why? Because she got big boobs and da da da..,then I was like oh yes, I guess she does and well, good for her! I always find the conversation about them

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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by trina0214 on Thu Sep 11, 2014 9:49 pm

Oop, hit the wrong button! Anyway, I'm totally agree with you about uncommon life we all have, but hey, life is too short to make these stuffs heavy in our mind! Bi, les,gay, demi, ace, pans, sapio or whatever...our root is we are all human, and as human we have the right to be free and pursuit our happiness in our own term! God bless all of us!

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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by Halfling on Fri Sep 12, 2014 4:30 am

Not a judgement here but a genuine question : it doesn't "bother" you to lie to your boyfriend ? If you don't feel anything when you have sex and if you don't want to have sex, don't you think you would feel better not to have sex ? I mean, not forcing yourself :/

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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by trina0214 on Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:56 am

Well, at first it did but I didn't want to hurt their feeling either. And that was going on long enough to the point that isn't a problem anymore. I put others feeling first before mine so it have sex or not have sex, the matter doesn't bother me anymore. i just find pleasure in different way such as travel, photography,etc..and so far it works for me Smile so I guess I'm not forcing myself, it become so natural for me now.

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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by Halfling on Sat Sep 13, 2014 3:22 am

I'm just saying that, I'm totally with you for the "don't want to hurt their feeling". But I know that I couldn't stand my boyfriend faking his pleasure with me... I would rather not have sex than have sex knowing he lies to me and makes me think he enjoys it when he doesn't... :/ Maybe it's just me, maybe your boyfriend would be ok with that and willing to keep having sex with you faking it. But well, I've issues considering a love relationship based on lies and untrust. I mean, I'd feel untrusted if my boyfriend was faking without the honesty to tell me what he really feels... You may say that "well he doesn't know so where's the issue ? He's happy like.", but .... people who cheat on their partner say that too, doesn't seem a good enough reason to me :/
I'm not blaming you, but I'm just saying... Maybe it works fine with you. Maybe it wouldn't that much with your boyfriend if he was aware of it.... If you're looking for having a longterm relationship with him (but maybe you're not), doesn't it bother you to plan to lie to him ad vitam eternam?

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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by trina0214 on Tue Sep 16, 2014 9:22 am

We've married, he knew, but it doesn't change anything about our lives or our feeling toward each other. What change is I understand my body more and compromise with it Smile

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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by Halfling on Tue Sep 16, 2014 12:16 pm

So he knows that you fake ? So, what's the point of faking o_O? I don't really understand.

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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by trina0214 on Tue Sep 16, 2014 12:29 pm

Let say I made the whole situation complicated! Smile

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Re: A Shared Experience?

Post by Halfling on Tue Sep 16, 2014 3:31 pm

Well, if you want to talk about it you can, and if you don't, it's ok Smile

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