Writing a Demisexual Character

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Writing a Demisexual Character

Post by skygawker on Sun Mar 02, 2014 3:25 pm

Hey all, I was wondering if I could get some input on a fanfic I'm writing for the acesinspades ficathon over on Tumblr. I'm planning on having it center on demisexual character, and while I've certainly done some research on the topic, there are a few specific questions that I'd like to get some input on. (For the record, I'm asexual, so it's more the "attraction to a few specific people" aspect of it than the "lack of attraction to everyone else" that I have questions about). I realize that not everybody is going to have had the exact same experience, of course, but I'd still like to hear from at least a few people who are actually demisexual before I start writing so I don't mess it up.

First of all: The emotional connection needed in order to develop a sexual attraction...how strong does it normally have to be (I know it doesn't necessarily have to be romantic), and would you say it has to be based on an actual (even platonic) relationship with the person? I ask because the character in question canonically met and had a crush on someone as a young child, carried a torch for her for ten years while they were apart, and then was strongly attracted to her as an adult. It is known that he thought about her frequently/had romantic fantasies about her in the interim despite not actually seeing her...assuming he is demi, is it reasonable that he would have had sexual thoughts during that period as well?

My second question is, how many frequently do demisexual people experience attraction? Not as frequently as allosexuals, obviously, but it would be nice to hear a range of what that means in quantitative terms. Or does it just vary widely from person to person depending on how often they form strong emotional connections?

Thirdly: from what I've read (mostly on AVEN), I get the impression (and correct me if I'm wrong) that most demisexuals tend to experience a gradual buildup towards sexual attraction (i.e. it doesn't just usually happen all at once). Given the relatively short timeframe of the fic, I won't really be able to develop something like that. But assuming that the character has been *friends* with the object of his sexual attraction (a different person than the girl mentioned above) for several years before seeing them in that light, and has a fairly strong emotional relationship, is it reasonable that he might develop sexual attraction to them quite suddenly?

Thank you to anybody who responds!

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Re: Writing a Demisexual Character

Post by Halfling on Sun Mar 02, 2014 4:55 pm

Hi,
Here what I could say about how I work (and only me) :
The emotional connection needed in order to develop a sexual attraction...how strong does it normally have to be (I know it doesn't necessarily have to be romantic), and would you say it has to be based on an actual (even platonic) relationship with the person?
Not has to be romantic ? I don't follow. For me, I have to know people before I can feel sexual attraction (and well, romantic one as well, but that seems classic, I mean, how could you feel love for someone you don't know ?...I would be more like a fantasy of idealistic thoughts we would have about the person concerned..). I won't have sexual attraction toward a friend, even a very close one. I won't necessary feel romantic attraction for a close friend neither, but I have to be good friend at least to feel romantic and/then sexual attraction.
But one time, I met a guy on a website (a "meetic" like one). I thought he was cute and the few things I read about him on his profile pleased me, so we contacted each other, and eventually met irl. I was fantasizing about being in a relationship with him, and felt a crush on him, but it was really strange since we both knew the "goal" of it was to date :/ So I guess that's why it didn't work (with other things). But well, at this point I was having thoughts about him, but I don't know if I could have taken things further with him.

With people I have been in an actual relationship, they were both (yeah I'm almost 27 and have been in love only twice...) very close friends before. About 1 to 2 years developping a bond which was, now I'm thinking about it, more than just "close friend". It can seem pretty messed up but with my current boyfriend, I considered him like my little brother... And it didn't evolve as "we're like brothers" to "fuck I wanna have sex with him". It was thoughts about hugging him, being close to him more often.. then it develops as wanting to kiss and well, then all the rest came at once.

For me, I can form a bond with someone and be romantically attracted on the internet, but on an actual (even if by the computer) relationship, yeah. Like I said, having thoughts about someone we don't know (like someone we didn't see for years) isn't love, it's imagination, it's projection of what we'd love to have/be/do..
When my first love broke up with me, it took me more than 7 years to move on...(yeah I'm pathetic). I didn't see her since 1 year after the breakup, so during 6 years I was stuck in what I had with her in highschool. You know that people change a lot in 6 years, most of all when it's after highschool lol. Eventually I realized I wasn't in love with her anymore, because I didn't know her (in the present) at all. She changed, so did I and I was stuck being in love with a past-idea of what she had been... It didn't help much to move on faster though, but it illustrates what I mean with feelings about a non-real relationship.. Hope i'm clear !

how many frequently do demisexual people experience attraction? Not as frequently as allosexuals, obviously, but it would be nice to hear a range of what that means in quantitative terms. Or does it just vary widely from person to person depending on how often they form strong emotional connections?
It varies widely from person to person I would say. Me for instance, I'm not very sociable, I don't make friend easily, because i'm quite picky maybe or just too strange to find lots of strange people I can relate with ^^". So... Well as I said, I've been in love 2 times... it could have been more than that if I'd know longer the guy I told about earlier (the one I met on the internet). I dunno.

About the gradual build-up toward sexual attraction, maybe you can pick some answers from what I said below, but well, I guess it can go quite quickly. It can takes 24h of intensive phonecall/skype-session to feel attracted to someone, so... sexual thoughts can build up pretty fast to I would say Smile

Hope I'm not too hard to understand, it's not easy for me to express myself as I would do in my mother tongue :s

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Re: Writing a Demisexual Character

Post by skygawker on Sun Mar 02, 2014 6:44 pm

Halfling wrote:Not has to be romantic ? I don't follow.

Perhaps I'm mistaken? This is just something I remember stumbling across in some demisexuality-education posts on Tumblr, e.g. http://demisexuality.tumblr.com/aboutdemisexuality. But if that's not how it works in your experience, I'm open to reconsidering that aspect of the fic.

how could you feel love for someone you don't know?

Well, obviously that's not something *I* understand, but the character in question seemed to believe he was feeling love. Maybe it would help if I was a bit more specific? I don't know how much you know about Star Wars, but the character in question is Anakin Skywalker. He meets Padme (his future wife) at the age of nine and clearly has a crush on her; it's suggested that he was even at that point having prophetic visions about their future marriage. They don't see each other for ten years, but the expanded-universe material set during that time shows him sort of obsessing over her and having romantic fantasies. When they meet as adults, he's pretty obviously in love with her from the second they meet, which suggests that it was (at least in the beginning) his "fantasy of idealistic thoughts" that was driving his feelings, rather than the actual *relationship* that they have. Which isn't necessarily, y'know, healthy, but that is how the movies portray it.

Anyway, my fic takes place when he's a teenager, and I'm just trying to figure out if he'd be likely to have sexual thoughts about her, as well as romantic ones, if he's demisexual.

Hope I'm not too hard to understand, it's not easy for me to express myself as I would do in my mother tongue

You're fine! Better than I could do in any language other than English, for sure. That was all very helpful  Smile 

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Re: Writing a Demisexual Character

Post by Halfling on Mon Mar 03, 2014 8:44 am

Hey, thanks for the descriptions, it helps a lot Smile (And helps to understand your nickname too haha)

Well, about the "not-as-to-be-romantic bond", I was only speaking for myself and I don't know lots about how demisexuality is lived by others, so please don't reconsider your idea about it only because of what I said^^"

I guess, but that's just a guess lol, that your character could have sexual fantasies. In fact it could be more fantasies about the situation itself. Dreaming of what it would be like "with her", with the idealistic thought he has built about what she would have become. No need to know what she would look like since it's only the thought of the situation which could turn him on. Once again, that's just my point of view and how I would be able to react in this kind of situation.
But since he's totally having feelings for "what she could be as a teenager" (I'm ok with the "not necessarily healthy" lol but well, we're talking about future Darth Vader so.... it's ok! XD) it's ok I guess to assume he could have sexual desire and fantasies about her (well, about what he imagines of her).

It's like what makes me watch "porn" I guess... It's not the actual people I see (well in fact I better like comics and anime) that turn me on but the thought of the situation and sensations I could feel in this situation... So well. Glad if it can help Smile (and glad you understood me well !)

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Re: Writing a Demisexual Character

Post by skygawker on Mon Mar 03, 2014 1:19 pm

Well, I still haven't solidified what the plot is going to be, so I'll probably figure out as I write whether it feels natural for him to develop a sexual attraction to someone he has a strong, not-romantic, relationship.

Glad to hear you think it sounds at least somewhat realistic that he might have sexual fantasies based off of romantic idealizations/fantasies (and she's the Queen of a planet, so I imagine there would be enough images of her out there that he'd know what she looks like). And yeah, probably not entirely healthy to have strong romantic fantasies about someone you don't really know...but yeah he's not really the most emotionally healthy person to begin with lol.

That all did definitely help! Thank you for your input. Smile

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