Hello, and a place holder.

I sense more than know that there are probably some answers for me in the ACE community. My issues will likely more be a tangent to your work and I feel like an interloper so I hope to tread lightly as I learn.

Two distinct from each other areas are probably worth looking at for me.

The thing is, I am not right now of a mind to put in the work. I found you quite by accident today looking to point someone else a bit on their path. (Step 12 is always the easiest to skip to, isn't it?)

So that I don't get too obtuse here here are my two issues:

I am a 'retired' (contentedly) CD. Did a lot of self-discovery work there a number of years ago with my then supportive wife. I had to re-evaluate myself, my gender issues, as well as look into whether there were any repressed sexual orientation issues. In considering orientation at that time I was unaware of your community. (It may not have existed then, formally) I still am cloudy on the apparently pretty wide spectrum under the asexual umbrella and I don't mean to minimize, but my feminine sense of self seemed to be what I described at the time as "asexual" and by that I simply meant there didn't seem to be a sexual component to "her". I had a very supportive wife, we tried to introduce play in varying forms, but as she would say the feminine side of me would simply go hide and the masculine side would re-assert. I don't know if any of that would translate meaningfully to anyone here.

My gender issues come from a place of repression and somewhat have to do with some inner child stuff, and seem to be based on emulation of my older sister who I perceived to be sort of not a sexual being, even repulsed by sex, based on my take on the repression she independently experienced...

Long, I know, but none of this stuff lends itself to shorthand. As I am currently not dressing or feeling any urge to do so, not out of a sense of shame or repression, just not there...seems like not something I could realistically tackle when not "en femme." I look forward to reading a lot here to see what if anything fits.

Next unrelated topic...(I feel schizophenic here!)

Now single for a few years, I am definitely not asexual in activity or desires...As this seems to be a space for people that need respite from the strong messages from society so I don't want to dwell on specifics. The reason I had a hmmm moment as I read on AVEN was the part about people that need to experience a strong emotional component before they experience sexual attraction.

I am having some issues in that regard, but on a tangent. I have been operating on the assumption that since my first partner and I were monogamous for 20 years, I just am having trouble feeling that things are "real" in a more casual, tentative setting.

I am starting to wonder because, I have no problem with arousal or fulfillment by myself, I have no problem finding others sexually attractive and wanting to follow through on that attraction. In the actual pursuit of that I find that it is really, and inexplicably difficult to reach fulfillment with anyone, and it is hardest of all the less connected I am to them emotionally.

It FEELS like some sort of dichotomy. I find new people and situations exciting, so why is it that the actual event regardless of the skill and gymnastics of the participants falls so flat.

I assumed at first that it was simply that having experienced sexual activity within a strong pair-bonded setting that the rest suffers by comparison, but the mechanics seem like that feeling shouldn't be as pronounced as it is.

So, like I said, I don't feel I exactly "fit" in this spectrum, but feel there are likely things about myself to be learned in joining with your community

Thanks for being.

Thanks for sharing your story, it helps understand better the way you can relate to demis. If I understood well, you can feel sexual attraction and have sex with people you don't have a close bond with, but eventually can't find fulfillment with them. And you realized it's easier to get pleasure when you have a closer bond with them. Am I right ?

It makes me think of a friend who is very active sexually but doesn't orgasm with partner.. She can only have some when she's alone and in certain circumstances. (Even if orgasm isn't a goal in itself and she enjoys sex with a partner very much).
I don't know if it's demi-related, but it could be a part of the spectrum I guess.. The few times I had sex with people I wasn't in love with, I just felt awful.. I was feeling like being a whore and I couldn't bear the feeling (I've got nothing against prostitutes, just couldn't do that myself)... I had close bond with those different partners, in fact they were what had been great friends....but I wasn't in love so... It simply didn't work. (I felt pleasure anyway but it didn't worth the pain and culpability which would follow). I guess it's quite different than what you experiment, but well...

Does your "issues" to get pleasure/fulfillment with partner you don't have a close bond with bothers you ? I mean, do you feel the need to find a way to either enjoy sex with those kind of partners or avoid sex with people you're not in love with ?