Hello, thank you for being here!

Hello!

I'm really glad i have found this!
so about me, this is going to be wordy:
- In year 8 (12-13 years old) i had a couple of crushes (a boy in my year and a girl in the year below) as puberty hit.
- After that, nothing, the idea of sex had no appeal to me. My mum went from saying i was 'slow' to 'a freak'.
- I really didn't get masturbation, i tried as a young teenager as i felt 'i should' (my mum though i was weird for not wanting a vibrator at 16) but i still just don't get it!
- I found I could occasionally find someone (of any gender) physically attractive, but not arousing. I occasionally fantasized about women, but didn't get the same feelings in 'real life'
- At 18 (2008), i considered myself asexual. The high sexual environment of uni, just grossed me out tbh. I found AVEN! Woo And yet i did have i guess sexual desires (only really kissing and stuff) with a couple of close friends, especially my friend Dave, which was weird as he was gay and not physically attractive to me. I did have a 'boyfriend' at uni, i went with it as it had never happened to me before. But found it really unpleasant and dumped him after a fortnight (plus he kissed others).
- Then my life was turned upside-down as i developed bulimia, so i had no space left in my head for anything but hating myself.
- Skip forward a few years and i am successfully recovering from bulimia and i am engaged. I now have started to consider my sexuality again. I had known Luke for over a year before we started going out, we were close friends for quite some time before he kissed me. I wanted to have sex with him at first, as this was all new an exciting, but we didn't due to his anxiety and my body hate. We are now physically close but still haven't had sex and we've been together 4 years If im honest, he can't keep it up (he's tired beta-blockers, counselling, etc) it bothers him, but it doesn't bother me. He has done other 'acts' to me, which are nice, cos i still have the nerve-endings right? I've recently gone down on him, to please him but found it fcking gross!
- I want to have children, therefor i want to be able to have sex at some point but i see it as nothing more than that. I used to think that made me mental or a freak, etc (my mother would certainly say so) but finding this community makes me feel like i am not alone!