Is this considered demisexual?

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Is this considered demisexual?

Post by Tree faerie on Wed Jul 24, 2013 4:11 pm

My husband 'thought' he was and keeps saying he doesn't know, but I ask "Do you only find someone sexually attractive when you form a strong bond with them emotionally?" He said yes in a way like he was telling me "Yes please understand me" almost desperately.

Last night I went through his computer history because I am severely insecure, I have self esteem issues, probably body dysmorphia and I am a demisexual who has been cheated on numerous times in every relationship with non demis.

Anyway, last night I saw a title he clicked on on tmz (He never goes to tmz unless his dad is around who is high non demi and says men were created to sleep with as many beautiful women as possible and women were created to have babies) and it said "The hottest olympian ever! In a bikini..." And the photo he clicked on had a picture of an olympian bending over in a thong. At first he said "My dad looked at it" And I calculated the time in the history saying "No, you were not in the shower for only five minutes, I know you, you shower for over 30 minutes" And he finally said "FINE, I looked at it but thats normal!" He said I am controlling for not wanting him to look at those things.

I asked him not to look at it ever again and he said "I'll try" Then I kissed him and asked again and he said "I won't I promise" and he hugged me.


I've been thinking that perhaps he since he decided not to speak to me for two days after a fight, he had felt like he was going to dump me, and move on, and his father influences him often. He was looking at stories about amanda bynes being in the er, and katy perry being kicked off sesame street for her racy top or something. All stories his dad mentioned to him and he randomly clicked on the picture of the woman in a thong. He said "I clicked because I wanted to see who they thought was the hottest olympian ever, because the media is stupid and I wanted to laugh at it"

This is either a case of he's shallow and clicked the photo or he really wanted to see the name of the person they consider hot.

What do you guys think? I'm contemplating leaving him over this because it's a gigantic deal breaker. As is porn, too. I thought he was a demisexual so I fell deep in love with him and now I'm starting to feel as though I've been duped for over a year in this marriage. Someone please help me..thank you..<3

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Re: Is this considered demisexual?

Post by Halfling on Sat Jul 27, 2013 7:59 am

Hi,
I can't know what's going on in your husband head or into your relationship, but being demi doesn't mean "not being able to get excited by porn"... I watch porn, and can be excited by it, but still I wouldn't be able (even if I wanted to!) to cheat on my boyfriend...
Porn can be exciting not only because the tought of fucking the person on the movie/picture, but mostly by fantasizing about the act of sexual intercourse or what it can bring back in mind.

In an other hand, a partner who look into my stuffs, internet history, (e-)mails, mobilephone stuffs and all, that would make me feel deceived by him/her. And being severely insecure or what isn't an excuse at all... It can explain such a behaviour. But not excuse it.

Maybe you should talk with him about porn or sexy pictures, to find out why he need to watch it, etc... It could be more constructive than just considering leaving him on what could just be a big misunderstanding... Don't you think ?

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Re: Is this considered demisexual?

Post by Aisling on Thu Aug 15, 2013 1:27 am

First: If you are invading your partner's privacy and then attacking and guilt-tripping him over what you find, you are using abusive communication practices, and it needs to stop. It is a significant violation of anybody's rights to personal space, to do such a thing, and you as his partner should be the person he is most able to depend upon to protect his rights and not violate them.

Second: Beyond the privacy violation, your entire post speaks of severe trust issues on your part, which you did mention, but simply mentioning does not excuse them. Please, for the sake of your marriage and your own emotional health as an individual, pursue professional counseling or other assistance, either solo or together. You owe it to yourself and to your partner to treat one another with compassion and respect, so that your trust is mutual and mutually deserved.

Third: Orientations are for a lifetime, for many people, but for many other people, orientations evolve over time as the individual's self-awareness and world-awareness grows and they become more able to embrace what genuinely appeals to them without fear. Clicking one damn image link on the internet does not make or break an orientation. Watching pornography does not make or break an orientation. Whether your husband's orientation is set in stone, or is something which evolves and grows along with him, he deserves your support and your best possible communication, beginning with this- stop treating single instances of image viewing or even porn watching as "proof" that his orientation is or is not what he has at one point believed it to be. Your distress is acknowledged, but the way you have conducted yourself throughout the whole business has been a gross overreaction which has probably made it harder for him to communicate with you. If you love him, you both deserve better than this.

Above all, please strive to be calm about all this, and strive to be rational. Don't let your insecurities get in the way of compassionate communication, and don't let something as simple and silly as internet history be taken as a personal threat or insult to your half of the relationship.
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Re: Is this considered demisexual?

Post by Tree faerie on Thu Aug 15, 2013 11:08 am

Tegid- I believe what you are doing is projecting your own ideals onto me, when they're not the same. My husband and I have rules in our marriage that we can and will look at each other's history. This is apart of being open and honest in our relationship, and the internet history isn't silly when one of our boundaries has been personally crossed. Every relationship has rules, or agreements. We both have strong agreements and he broke one of them, so I personally feel offended. He admitted that looking at a person who has a half naked body would be upsetting to me, and he understands. It's not about victim blaming here- Like blaming someone for being insecure, and yes I mentioned I am insecure, but being respectful is key. If my husband has an insecurity about half naked men, or women or whatever, I will do my best to avoid hurting him. That is not unreasonable in our marriage. You need to grasp that every relationship is not the same, and doesn't require counseling just because two people have their own perspectives etc. We're not all molded the same way.


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Re: Is this considered demisexual?

Post by Aisling on Thu Aug 15, 2013 12:32 pm

Hey, if snooping on each other was always a clear part of the agreement between you guys, then good for you for having an arrangement which works for you.

Just please bear in mind that when you say something like the following with no preamble about it being in that agreement, to the overwhelming majority of people it will sound like a very unhealthy behaviour to do within a marriage.
Last night I went through his computer history because I am severely insecure
Apologies if we've offended you, within the context of your own relationship. Having said this, for any relationship where this degree of mutual invasiveness is not acceptable (which is most relationships!), our response would be exactly the same. In most relationships, that behaviour is completely unacceptable and frequently a red flag for other more severe forms of partner abuse down the road, and failure on our part to remark on it as such would be unethical. Thank you for doing such a fine job in retroactively explaining it, both because it relieves anybody's need here to have overmuch concern for your and your partner's well-being, and because it expands the dialogue on the many possible natures of relationships.
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