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New to this...

Post by JustSailAway on Wed May 15, 2013 3:05 pm

Hi, all! I'm Becca. I'm extremely new to the demisexual/grey community (as in I just discovered it today, haha). It seems like I've been searching for years for an identity to call my own. I went through my childhood with aesthetic attraction to both men and women, identified as bisexual in high school and identified as lesbian for my first two years of college. However, I know none of these words really fit me. I have also identified as pansexual (which only confused me further, because it was very much like me but just didn't feel right). I have a best friend whom I have been madly in love with for several years. She identifies as asexual (although I don't know any more specifics, such as what type of asexual or if she is grey or traditionally asexual). She doesn't really wish to talk to me about the specifics, so I started doing some of my own research. We have been together before, during our relationship we were romantically attracted to one another which she told me was very rare for her. I was sexually attracted to her, but we did not act on this attraction due to her lack of sexual libido. We broke up a few months later but I never stopped loving her. Our break up was mutual, but I haven't been happy since we've been romantically apart... She has since told me that she is no longer romantically attracted to me, but doesn't want our relationship to lessen/change whatsoever. It has been over a year since we were together and yet it feels as if nothing has changed- I am still romantically and sexually attracted to her, but I no longer wish to act upon my sexual attraction, I just want to have a romantic relationship with her... I know this is confusing.
During my research of the asexual spectrum, I discovered demisexuality and think it might be the most accurate identification for myself. I have emotional attraction to people based upon who they are (hence my prior identification as pansexual) not based upon their sex/gender/gender identity/sexual orientation/etc. However, I do not feel initial sexual orientation to anyone, also regardless of sex/gender/etc. Although I often find myself more often emotionally attracted to women, I don't usually feel physical attraction to them until I have a close connection with them. The same goes for men- I have once or twice been emotionally/romantically attracted to men, but despite emotional closeness I feel no sexual attraction towards them, merely romantic feelings...
I'm not sure how to make my best friend feel more comfortable in order for her to feel the romantic attraction she felt for me before. I know it's possible. I love her with all of my heart, but she does not feel the same... Please help me. I'm just looking for friends or people who really understand and won't judge me.

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Re: New to this...

Post by Halfling on Wed May 15, 2013 4:36 pm

Hi there Smile Welcome ! Two new people in a raw, that's quite amazing^^

Your post is interesting, because it seems that you consider demi as a sexual orientation in its own. I never considered it like that. But well, saying that, you mean "demi" like "must be friend before" and eliminating the gender matter, since you're pan. Meaning : feeling like "demi" is right (where pansexual isn't), you imply demipan . Am I right ?
Well.
Maybe you're most with women because... you simply have more girl friends ^^ ? I wondered before why do I identify mostly as gay (even if I always saw me as pansexual) while having mostly relationships with girls.... It was just because I had more girls as friends than boys -_- lol.

Can I ask you why you broke up with your friend the first time ? Did her feelings changed ? In that case, I don't think you could make her feel in love again. I mean : I don't think you can make her change how she feels :/ people can't make other fall in love with them so... :/ But it could be interesting to know what made her have romantic feelings for you at the beginning, and why it isn't here anymore.




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Re: New to this...

Post by Aisling on Mon May 20, 2013 7:17 pm

Welcome to the DG!

I consider Demi its own orientation, with Demi-Hetero, Demi-Homo, Demi-Bi, and Demi-Pan, etc., as more specific subsets to it, or places where it overlaps another orientation or criterion for attraction. I think of it like a Venn Diagram, with the overlap between Demi-criteria and the criteria for whatever other orientation is involved being the collective group of people to whom the subject can experience attraction.

For many demi folk, their hetero/homo/bi/pan/etc. secondary-orientation may or may not even be known to them with any certainty, for lack of relationships in their history which developed true attraction.

I thought I was straight but uninterested, for a long time, and then demi-but-otherwise-straight, after entering a long-term relationship involving attraction to somebody male... but later when my relationship started including a girlfriend romantically and asexually, I had to rethink the situation; I'm panromantic even if my sexuality still tends to be specifically oriented toward men, and still only men with whom I have the emotional connection that allows the demi-aspect of my sexuality to be attracted to them. Five years ago, it wouldn't have even occurred to me that I could feel so connected to another female person. -Asher

Since for many demis there may be that layer of "I don't know because it hasn't happened yet," it isn't unreasonable to treat demisexuality and demiromanticism as their own legitimate orientations, irrespective of homo/bi/pan/hetero/etc. That isn't to say that anybody's sub-orientation to Demi should be discounted just because they've never had variation in what sex or gender was able to appeal to them; if somebody says they're demi-homosexual or demi-hetero, etc., then as far as it should matter to anybody, that really is how they are. If the situation changes later, then it's only the right of that person to adopt a different label, and not anybody else's right to impose one.

Regarding the OP and your situation with your friend... first off, we wish the best of luck for you on this one, and whatever happens, we hope that your relationship to each other only improves for all parties involved.

Second, how much have you spoken with her about what you feel? In occasions that you spoke about it, what was said, and how did she respond? Is it possible that she just needs a bit of space to get herself sorted out, and that breaking with you is more wanting to be in no relationship in general, and less about wanting to exit a specific relationship?
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