does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

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does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Halfling on Sun Feb 03, 2013 5:39 am

Well, it's quite dead here so here is some life :p

I wondered if among demisexuals, anybody has ever experienced frustration at some point, frustration directly caused by the fact they're demi. I mean... I'm currently in a relationship, longer than 2 years now, with a guy I love (If I didn't I don't think I could stay with him, even if it's not always heaven... and sometimes it's clearly frustrating and hard). But he doesn't "like" sex. He can't have sex. I won't go into details here but the fact is he can't. And don't want to, by extension. So sometimes I feel stuck in a relationship in wich I'm frustrated, because I have sex drive toward him, I have a libido to deal with, and it bothers me to have to work it out myself...
At some point in this, I felt very very bad, I came to thoughts I wouldn't think me able of having, and that was : finding someone to have sex and fill this loss.. To be able to be happy and not frustrated around my boyfriend.
I had this crazy idea (from me, it seemed really crazy, it was the first time in my life I thought about it like, seriously considered it) of having a one night stand.
But of course, when I began to look into it on the internet, I understood it was totally impossible for me.. I couldn't do it, I couldn't even imagine me meeting some guy and all.
And so it frustrated more... Because sometimes, I feel I would be happier if I just could go and fuck someone to release some steam, if I can put it this way... I envy people who can.. And sometimes also, I think of being asexual, that too, would be easier and make me happier... (in this relationship at least)...

It's quite hard because I always considered myself as someone for whom sex isn't a big part... I'm not obsessed by it, I don't even wanna have sex with people I just look at... But in this relationship, I became the one needing it. I was the one in need, the one frustrated, the one wanting to have sex, the one even asking to have sex (and having to deal with the constant NO i'm getting as an answer... not always said like that -_-) And so I slowly began to think of me as a pervert or obsessed... I know I'm not, but I can't help feeling that way when I seem to be frustrated only because of sex (well ok, not "only" but most of it come from the lack of sex I guess).. It's like it became big gray cloud filling all the space, hiding the sky, the sun but also the birds and stars and even projecting his shadow on the ground, on trees, on rivers, on everything... It seems really stupid and superficial.. But I can't help it. I dunno how to break it up..

I wondered if some people here have ever felt like that. Or if someone has.. I dunno, advices maybe ? or just their story to tell to help me deal with mine maybe.. Thank you.

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by unpolished_pearl on Sun Mar 03, 2013 2:34 am

If I'm being honest? I hate it sometimes. I'll spend hours wishing I was "normal", that I didn't have to launch into a verbal dissertation whenever I was asked why I wasn't in a relationship, that people wouldn't look at me with pity once they found out what I am... I mean, there's a reason I spent years thinking there was something wrong with me, y'know?

I know I shouldn't feel this way, and I'm usually just fine, but it's just one more thing that separates me from everyone else, and I'm already weird enough as it is.

As for your situation... Look. I'm a stranger on the internet, I don't know you. But if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be putting up with that. There has to be compromise somewhere. You can take care of your own needs up to a point, but honestly.

You aren't a pervert. Even asexual people can have a sex drive, and it's not wrong for you to want your boyfriend.

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Halfling on Sun Mar 03, 2013 5:26 am

Thank you for replying Smile
I totally feel that sometimes too, that this is one more thing that separates me from everyone else... I'm also weird enough lol.

I don't know how I could "take care of my own needs" without being frustrated. I mean, taking care of it on my own is quite frustrating, at some point you know :/
I can see that at least it makes me "fidel" or something, but I don't even know if it's really a good thing.

At beginning, long before knowing anything about demisexuality and all, I thought I was just very old school.. You know, with strong values of fidelity, romance and all. That just could have intercourse with anybody. I once talked about it with my sister, asked her if it was ok to be like this, if it wasn't too weird or what, and she was the same.. She had to love the guy to have sex with him (she's hetero :p). I don't know if she's "demiromantic" also, but well, then I thought yeah, I was just oldschool, nothing strange about it.
But being demisexual & demiromantic, it quites narrow down a lot the chances to be in a relationship, that's for sure. Sometimes I wonder if it's not one of the things that make it hard for me to have the guts to break up :/


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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by unpolished_pearl on Sun Mar 03, 2013 3:04 pm

I can understand that.

I thought about this years ago, before I knew there was a name for my sexuality, and I had to face up to the fact that I might never find anyone willing to... slow themselves down to my level. And, as dismal as that idea is, it's a lot better than settling for something I don't really want. And I have to tell you, it was incredibly liberating to say to one of my friends with a very... active... sex life, that I don't honestly care whether I ever have sex or not. I'd love to have a partner, but if I have to compromise myself, it's not worth it.

You just have to decide for yourself. Do what's best for you and, ultimately, don't worry about everyone else because it's not their life. You deserve to be happy, too.

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Halfling on Sun Mar 03, 2013 4:33 pm

Well, it felt liberating for me too, when I said to a friend with a very active sex life that I didn't lose anything since I didn't even want to have sex with the first one coming in. She was like "ho that's sad, you don't have fun". But well, where would be the fun if I had intercourse without enjoying it lol.

But well, it's hard for me to be able to know what's "best" for me, I mean, my boyfriend love me, I think I have feelings for him too.. But my sex drive is only directed toward him, and he doesn't want it so... Ho I really hate myself and my too much complex brain ><

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Halfling on Fri Nov 15, 2013 1:28 pm

I'm back in this topic since I don't see the point of opening a new one...
I wonder if my being demi doesn't have a part in feeling so stuck sometimes.. I mean, I feel stuck in the way that... Well, sometimes (like... right now), I'm wondering if I can keep going like this, in my relationship, when it seems that much hopeless in some sorts. It seems to me like a chaotic one, we always fight for nothing (or at least really stupid things), and then, I can't even express my love to him. It's always his call, or nothing. I can't initiate any intimate situation (leading to arousal and sex), or I'm being coldly rejected. I feel like I can't live with this anymore, I'm sick of being always rejected, feeling like a pervert, feeling like the bad guy not considering his own limits and all.. It's really frustrating and, well.. hurting.
But at the same time, I can't help myself being aware of the demisexuality thing, which would induce being alone, for a looong time.. and in a way, I don't want that. I can't throw away 3 years of life together and all.. It's just.. too hard to consider...

I'm thinking that maybe, if I weren't demi, it would be a lot easier for me to shut the door and go away, or to consider other ways of being sexually fulfilled..
I feel bad thinking like that.. I feel bad not being able to know if my thoughts are driven by this fucking demithing or not... And I feel bad that sex means that much to me... I never expected that growing up.. But right now, the only thing I can think about is a simple relationship like everybody else, with the possibility of arouse eachother easily, making love easily, naturally...

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by clovercris on Mon Jan 13, 2014 4:30 pm

so, Halfling if I understand this correctly you sometimes want to have sex with your boyfriend, he rejects you, and when he wants to you don't really want to?

maybe it isn't really a demi thing, but a lack of communication? (I don't know anything about your relationship but in my experience communication is lacking in most long term relationships).

I remember while being on relationships I used to have issues with being the receiving end (when I was with a girl I never wanted to receive oral sex, but rather give it, mostly because I wanted to please my partner)

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Halfling on Tue Jan 14, 2014 4:46 am

It's not that I don't want to, it's just that it always has to be his call. I feel like I'm just here to please him when he wants it, but without the right to be myself "in demand" you know.
I don't see how this is a lack of communication. We sure have lots of communications issues (he's Asperger) but here it's not the same thing. It's not that "sometimes he rejects me". It's each time I try to engage in sexual things... It's like if.. he's "in the mood" only one day/month so well, I just have to wait for him to be "in the mood". It kind of puts me in the mood too when he's, but it's like I don't have much choice... If you're hungry for months, you won't turn off the meal served to you, even if you weren't thinking about eating at this right time... Sometimes I would just like to be able to arouse him you know...
The Demi thing could be related I think with me not leaving him. I mean... If I wasn't demi, being alone again wouldn't seem that hard, because I would knew I would be able to get involve, have sex if I want to, etc. Being demi changes everything... Being alone means maybe 2, or what, 6 years again without any relationship... I'm 26, if things were better with my bf and with work, I would be ok to think about having a family and all, so well, the thought of being alone is unbearable right know.
But that being said, it doesn't mean I don't love my bf or that I wanna leave him. It's just that the option seems "closed" to me. I'm not sure to be clear :/

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Lims on Thu Jan 16, 2014 3:31 pm

Demisexuality can be a little frustrating...The one intimate relationship I've been involved in I had the opposite problem, my partner had a very high sex drive and I wasn't quite ready to give up my virginity when I did but she was and this was before I knew anything about being demi so I just wrote it off in the name of love. She was very demanding and 99% of the time I didn't have the ability to say no and though most days of the week she was initiating that sort of thing it was never enough and she threatened to leave and find other men many times. To me the most frustrating part is not being able to keep up with everyone else, to my knowledge I'm the only demisexual anywhere in my area so I've always been around the people who brag about how much sex they're having or how bangable certain people are and I'm left to sit and have a "meh I guess so" sort of attitude
I see where clover's coming from with the idea of lack of communication, maybe you need to talk about how this is all making you feel and perhaps discuss the idea of a compromise, a way of him pleasuring you which doesn't necassarily come down to sex? Being demisexual shouldn't restrict you in terms of relationship. From what I gather it's not unusual for demi's to sleep around or have casual sex. It happens but there's less enjoyment involved, though I personally wouldn't care for it and it sounds like you wouldn't either...A way I get around the whole idea of finding other people is to look at people I barely know and see hypothetical attributed and adopt an "I could forge a really strong bond with that person" and thus find them attractive, to which I can make advances such as asking them on dates and such Smile I hope I've helped, even if only a little, I'll mull it over and try and consider other suggestions but until then I suggest you stay strong, I know you love this guy but I think you really need to consider whether or not it's what you want. I'm always here if you need me, any way I can help just let me know Smile
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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Halfling on Fri Jan 17, 2014 3:11 pm

I already talked with him about how I'm feeling each time he ignores me or shut me down. He knows that very well. Like I know very well that most of the time he isn't interested in making love. (cuz to me it's not just "having sex").
I can't have casual sex or "sleep around"... I just can't. I thought about it around last year but just... couln't. Just thinking about it freaked me out. And I can't think about having sex with someone I'm not close to. Maybe it's due to a mix between being demi and being a transguy.. (and mostly gay). I don't think it's really easy to find cis-gay-guys willing to have sex with a transguy lol. It happens, sure, but well, it means one more obstacle for me. I can't know what it would be like if I were cis, but it may not make any difference in fact.
And I'm not good at making close bonds with people lol.

That's why I can't see what I could do. My boyfriend told me I was too much demanding and I wasn't, it would come more easily for him. Ok, so I stopped being demanding... It worked the first time, nice. But after that I stopped being demanding, again, and well, I waited more than a month before he took the lead to get us into intimacy... So obviously, being demanding or not doesn't change anything.. There always is something to put him off the mood... work, anxiety, nightmares, bad things happening, tiredness... It seems to be endless... until he decides it's ok to have sex. What can I do ? He knows perfectly how I feel, I told him several times already.... Sometimes it feels like being in a love relationship or alone is sexually the same for me... It can seems harsh to say but.. what's the point ?!

edit : by the way, thank you for taking the time to read and reply to me ^^

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Lantern on Fri Jan 17, 2014 7:27 pm

Hi Halfling,

It sounds to me like you are just not getting what you need from this relationship. I think, first of all, I would take a step back and think about what you need in order for your relationship to work. Based on what you've written here, it sounds like sex is a particularly difficult point between you, but it's not the whole of the problem:

I already talked with him about how I'm feeling each time he ignores me or shut me down. He knows that very well. Like I know very well that most of the time he isn't interested in making love. (cuz to me it's not just "having sex").

I'm not entirely clear from this on whether you've talked to your boyfriend specifically about him ignoring you/shutting you down, but a conversation not about sex but about the way you communicate with one another might help clear the air. It also sounds like a lot of what you miss from sex is the emotional intimacy. Maybe you two can work out some creative ways to have more of that, such as more cuddling? Or, if you broaden your definition of sex, there may be some things you're both interested in doing--there are a lot of online checklists that might give you some more ideas.

You might check out this article--some of the details probably aren't applicable to your relationship, since it's an answer to a specific question, but most of it is sound advice for anybody. Basically, the takeaway is: 1) there are a lot of ways to bridge a libido gap, 2) bringing up sex in low-pressure ways can help, and 3) sometimes, there really is an underlying problem or incompatibility.

I hope that you can find a way to work this out with your partner. If it turns out that you can't, though, it may be better to be single for a while than stay in a relationship that's making you (both) unhappy.

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Lims on Fri Jan 17, 2014 9:01 pm

I think Lantern's got a pretty sound idea there~ I don't think I have any other suggestions at the moment so for now I'll wish you the absolute best! Smile I hope things can be worked out but if not then that's okay too, things will look up Smile If there's anything else I can do let me know~ Good luck!
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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Halfling on Sat Jan 18, 2014 9:46 am

Lots of infos and things to process here. First, thanks Lantern for making some light (haha pun intended) upon different matters, and thanks for the article. Reaaaally interesting - I'm gonna look up to those lists. I already did that with my boyfriend, the kind of yes/no/maybe questions about sex things which are (or not) ok for each of us. My bf has big sex issues (he's been molested a lot..as a first sexual experience so.. well...) and it was a nice way to talk about sex gradually.
But somethings caught me in the article. I'm thinking maybe he believes that "being in the mood for sex" means "being in the mood for penetration"... and yeah that's far to be the only way to have fun.
I'm gonna try to engage the conversation on the subject like it's suggested in the article (it's quite "non violent communication" advices really).

I guess I've lot of work to do also on the way I consider the possibility of breaking up... It's quite hard for me for the reasons I talked about already (most of it being a "demi" related thing.. but a whole problem haha -_-) and I guess lots of stuff in our relationship are very healthy... F*ck that's hard... I wonder why I'm not attracted by simplier people.. lol

Thanks a lot Smile

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Lantern on Sat Jan 18, 2014 3:02 pm

I'm glad you found the article useful! I'm by no means a relationship expert, but I'm here if you just need to vent or bounce some ideas around.

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Halfling on Sat Jan 18, 2014 5:05 pm

That's nice of you Smile I went through the list link mentionned in the article and found that it was precisely the list we used with my boyfriend. I wrote smth to him this afternoon but he didn't react nor reply... (I asked if we could talk about it, and if he didn't want to do that now, if we could set a time together to talk about it since it was important for me. The "no pressure part" you know, but he didn't even reply to that - as usual should I say...)
Wait and see.

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Lantern on Sat Jan 18, 2014 8:57 pm

Well, give it some timeā€¦ He may just need to process for a day before responding. If he never gets back to you, you can always mention it again in a few days.

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Halfling on Sun Jan 19, 2014 10:42 am

Yeah, but the fact is I don't need (or ask) an answer right away, just to know he's thinking about it and will suggest a time when we can talk about that. As he does nothing, it's hard not to feel ignored..

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Lantern on Sun Jan 19, 2014 3:28 pm

Huh. Well I might ask him something like, "Hey, did you get that message I sent you? Can we pick a time to talk about it? It doesn't have to be right now, but this is something that's important to me, and I'd like to figure out a way to discuss it that is comfortable for both of us."

Also, be mindful that he may not be able to talk about some things--I have no idea what might be triggering for him due to his history of abuse. If he seems really determined to shut you down, you may need to change the conversation to "How can I bring topics like this up in ways that don't touch on bad memories for you? Is there anything in particular I should say/not say when we have these discussions?" Basically, as much as you perceive his ignoring you as hurtful, for him, it may not be about you at all; it could just be a way of protecting himself from further trauma. Again, I don't know this. He could simply be disregarding your feelings. But it can help to bear in mind that a lot of times, the people we love hurt us without meaning to.

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Halfling on Mon Jan 20, 2014 12:48 pm

He replied to me yesterday Smile We didn't talk much about it but he said he didn't want to hurt me when rejecting me, as you just said ^^ Well, I guess I was quite right about what he thought "making love" should mean, so that is clearer now. He just doesn't know how to "decide" (both of us) what we're going when we "get in the mood".

Lots of things unsolved here but it's a step... (not a first one, but a step). But you bring up interesting things for communication, when you say "Is there anything in particular I should say/not say when we have these discussions?" because that's right, I think he feels unease with sex discussions, so.... :/ Well, I don't know if there are really things we can do for that since we already talked (several times) about it .. But well.
Thank you Smile

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Re: does demisexuality frustrate you at some point ?

Post by Lantern on Mon Jan 20, 2014 1:22 pm

You're welcome! I'm glad to hear that you're talking and that things are going fairly well. Smile

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