How to tell people that everyone isn't demisexaul?

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How to tell people that everyone isn't demisexaul?

Post by KokoroComplex on Fri Dec 07, 2012 5:15 am

Some people can't seem to grasp that demisexuality and chastity aren't even remotely similar. When you try to explain to some people, they just go, "isn't that most people?" and you just...

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Re: How to tell people that everyone isn't demisexaul?

Post by unpolished_pearl on Sun Mar 03, 2013 2:20 am

I've been looking for a way to explain it, but... I dunno, there seems to be some kind of disconnect with everyone I talk to. Either they think I'm screwing with them or they accuse me of having Special Snowflake Syndrome.

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Re: How to tell people that everyone isn't demisexaul?

Post by Halfling on Sun Mar 03, 2013 5:34 am

What is "special snowflake syndrome" ? The feeling you're a special thing and that people are generally not worthy of you enough ? Or the opposite (you can have feeling only for "the special snowflake" ? )
I'm sorry, not very at ease with english expressions ^^"

I don't talk to people about that, really, but if I did, I think I would say, well, I just don't feel anything (sexual or romantic) toward people I don't know. I'm not aroused by people unless I connected with them (well, not meaning I'd be automatically aroused by all the people I had a connexion with XD). Chastity is a choice, like priests do. It's like a vow to don't have sex, but it has nothing in common with desire.
I guess a priest could have a boner looking at someone he'd find beautiful....He could express desire.. That's not a choice, but ignoring his boner (well, his desire) to put it away, that would be chastity related.
I guess people can understand than, can't they ??

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Re: How to tell people that everyone isn't demisexaul?

Post by unpolished_pearl on Sun Mar 03, 2013 2:52 pm

Special Snowflake Syndrome is when you're going around saying you're a certain non-mainstream sexuality or you have certain types of disorders, etc., in order to seem more interesting or to gain sympathy.

Usually, though, I just try to explain how, yes, this person or that person is attractive, but it doesn't *do anything* for me. Sometimes they get it, but usually not.

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Re: How to tell people that everyone isn't demisexaul?

Post by Halfling on Sun Mar 03, 2013 4:41 pm

Thanx for the enlightenment ^^
Yeah I guess it can seem hard to understand for people who naturally have desire when they see someone "attractive", that.. well, you can find people attractive but without the related sexual thoughts..
In fact, it's like when you see a good looking pastry in a bakery, but even if it seem genuinely good, you don't want to buy it... Not because of any kind of diet (chastity :p), but because you simply know that you wouldn't enjoy it as much as the one you could bake yourself at home... You would eat it thinking : oh fuck it looked beautiful and all, but it's not good.. So well, you know you don't want it then, period. x)
Yeah it's a shitty metaphor, since it's a little more complicated but well. It could help people understand ? Maybe ? Or not x)

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Re: How to tell people that everyone isn't demisexaul?

Post by Ophiuchus_Denied on Mon Mar 04, 2013 7:35 am

i think it's a pretty good metaphor. i mean, the cake one goes around quite a lot, so yes. ^^

when it comes to attraction, i feel like i mostly have to explain the difference between sexual and romantic and aesthetic attraction, especially since i tend to squee quite a lot about pretty actors--even though i am demisexual (and thus am only sexually attracted to my fiancee) and polyromantic (many, but not all, and i tend not to develop romantic/sexual attractions towards men, esp cis men). but i still find a lot of (cis male) actors to be aesthetically attractive.

the real trouble comes when people who are allosexual and...idk, is alloromantic a term yet, to counter aro? anyway, when people who aren't ace or aro in any way conflate romantic/aesthetic/sexual attraction with one another. that person is pretty = i want to have sex with that person = i want a relationship with that person.

but for me, they're all different things. and objectively, they're all different things, even if some people see them as the same thing--the word "attraction" being used for all of them interchangeably with no differentiation. explaining the difference is usually a good way to get across that demisexuality is a thing, because then you can explain that:

-being aesthetically attracted to someone does not mean you want a sexual or even a romantic relationship with them
-a romantic relationship/feelings (for me anyway) must be present before sexual attraction occurs
-(and a strong interpersonal relationship--platonic/friendship/however you want to describe it--must be present before romantic attraction occurs)
-the lack of sexual attraction without a pre-developed relationship is what makes me demisexual

that's just how it works for me, as a final disclaimer--some people can jump straight from the friendship phase to the sexual attraction phase while being demisexual, and that's a valid definition/experience as well. (there are quite likely aro demisexuals, after all, even if i've never personally met any.) but for me, i have to pass through romantic territory before i start to feel any sexual attraction. and i have to pass through friendship territory before i feel any romantic attraction. (that probably makes me demiromantic, too, but i don't really apply that term to myself, because i don't think it fits me.)

in short, this is why i can chatter all day about how absolutely gorgeous chris hemsworth is and still not be sexually attracted to him.

(though if the planets aligned and a comet rattled the universe and i somehow became friends with him, that might change, which is why i'm demi and not straight-up ace. even my polyromantic and predominantly gynosexual orientations can have exceptions. ^^)

whoops, long post is long. i need sleep. XD
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Re: How to tell people that everyone isn't demisexaul?

Post by Halfling on Mon Mar 04, 2013 8:05 am

Oh I totally recognize myself in that : "i have to pass through romantic territory before i start to feel any sexual attraction. and i have to pass through friendship territory before i feel any romantic attraction. "

Can you explain to me what "allo-..." means please ?
You're totally right about the need of distinction between aesthetic, romantic or sexual attractions... Even in rich langages (with a lot of vocabulary and distinctions between terms) we can be misled by terms like "like" or "love" which are usually used for different purposes too... (same in french, by the way... but with the same verb to say "like" and "love" lol)
Once those differences highlighted, it may be easier to understand some dissociations that some people experiment...

When I was younger, I thought it was odd for me to be aesthetically attracted by men (actors and all, haha) but only in relationship with girls (or I should say cis female). I changed with time but I found it hard to understand how people could have sexual attraction toward people such "far out of reach" like actors and all. I didn't understand how people could "want them sexually" when they didn't even know them x)

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Re: How to tell people that everyone isn't demisexaul?

Post by Ophiuchus_Denied on Wed Mar 06, 2013 8:37 pm

allosexual is just a term that was come up with as a counterpoint to asexual, rather than referring to people who aren't ace as "sexual", because it implies less of a "weird-normal" dichotomy. i don't know how much it's caught on, but i like it.

man, the actors thing, though...like, i'll joke about it all day long, because in the end, there's no chance the opportunity is ever gonna arise. but if i actually MET one of the actors i talk about having the hots for? nnnnnnnnnope. coffee first. lots of coffee. like...three or four weeks of going to get coffee and talking and THEN maybe we'll discuss it. so i mean...idk, i've had people on my tumblr grump at me before because i post so many pictures of attractive actors with the same kind of commentary on it that people who have sexual attraction to them do, and they try to police me like...you're not allowed to find joseph gordon-levitt hot if you're ace because if you think it's hot it means you want to have sex with him and i'm just like

???????

you keep using that argument. i don't think it means what you think it means.
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Re: How to tell people that everyone isn't demisexaul?

Post by Halfling on Thu Mar 07, 2013 4:09 am

Ha ok, we could say "verysexual" as the opposite of "asexual", no? lol

Yeah, about actors thing, yeah that's the "unreachable" which makes possible to fantasize to, idk, know them, imagine a life where people you know (and like) would have the same aesthetical appearance haha, but yeah, if you were to meet them, that's another story. I think I would like standing like .. aesthetically astonished lol, as I could be in front of an amazing painting or a great scenery... But sex drive would be low... x)

What do you refer to in your last sentence ?

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Re: How to tell people that everyone isn't demisexaul?

Post by Ophiuchus_Denied on Thu Mar 07, 2013 6:53 am

heh, it's a reference to the film "The Princess Bride". Sort of memetic. ^^; referring back to people who use arguments that don't...really follow through. (if you have never seen that movie i highly highly recommend it. it's brilliantly funny.)

i mean honestly though i just want to cuddle. i swear if i ever met chris hemsworth, sexual activity would be the furthest thing from my mind--i just want the man to give me a piggyback ride. is that so much to ask?

man, i saw another description of demisexuality and how it actually compares to everyone else earlier, and i lost the link. if i find it again, i'll post it here.

or have my girlfriend come comment, 'cause she's very...not demisexual. XD

(i oughta talk her into getting an account anyway, since she IS demiromantic. i think fate just wanted us to be together because the chances of us ending up in a functional relationship and being each other's One Person is cosmic. and yet, it happened.)
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